Choosing Appropriate Clothing to Match the Occasion

Sunday morning I woke up at 8 A.M. expecting a gloomy rainy day as the forecast had predicted. I parted the bedroom curtain and was pleasantly surprised to see a bright sunny morning. I slowly made my way to the kitchen for my morning coffee. Within seconds, Marisa appeared in a whirlwind of enthusiasm. As she burst into the room she announced,

"I'm going for a walk!"

I looked up and was startled by what was before me. Marisa, wearing a fanny pack, key in hand, was dressed in denim cut-off short shorts with her favorite black and pink tile belt, chain links dangling from the side. Paired with this was her disco ready skin tight black and blue sequin tank top with a streaming silk black bow down the back. Her white bra straps were clearly visible as an eyesore.

"Not like that!" I yelled back to her. "Go back and put on a more appropriate top. Then later you can change back into your sequins, but pair it with a dark colored bra."

Marisa, who is usually amazing at putting together her daily outfits and work-out shorts and tops that she wears at home to go on the treadmill, didn't seem to have a clue as to why her choice of clothing for a brisk walk was so inappropriate.

"You look like you're looking for a roll in the hay with some guy!" I informed her. "Is that what you want?"

"NO!" she answered.

She quickly rushed back to her room and reappeared in a two-toned floral tank top that was fitting to the occasion. Then off she went for her walk.

So what would have happened if Marisa went out the door to take a walk wearing disco-ready clothes? Probably nothing though she may have gotten a few stares. On second thought, she may have realized, after her walk, that sequins would have made her hot and sweaty. Then she wouldn't have been able to wear the top for the rest of the day. Alright, so maybe I should have let her learn from experience, but nevertheless, it's a good idea to know what is and is not appropriate for various occasions.

I can remember numerous times when I spotted someone in some outlandish outfit that made me and everyone else around do a double take. There was the woman in the supermarket wearing cowgirl clothes from the hat down to the fringed skirt and boots; another in her fifties wearing little girl hair clips with mini bows and lace that would have been fine on a two year old; and the young woman wearing skin tight wet-look pants with a waist length denim jacket while shopping for produce in the supermarket. I will never forget the looks that she got from people who just couldn't take their eyes off her. It was actually very humorous to witness.

So what should the goal be when it comes to appropriate attire for every occasion? We should look presentable and pleasant without drawing excessive attention to ourselves. There are clothes that are appropriate in the workplace just as there are clothes for parties, gardening, shopping in the supermarket, going to the beach and working out. Usually Marisa gets it right, but for those times when her judgement is just a bit off, some guidance can't hurt. Just as children and adults on the autism spectrum want to fit in by learning appropriate behaviors, they need to also learn what is appropriate attire to match the numerous occasions they will encounter. I'm not saying that we have to appear boring as if in uniform. We can learn to blend in with what is appropriate and pleasing, but still be creative and individual just as various flowers blend in a way that is pleasing to the eye. They go together as a group but are all unique in their own way.

I can't wait to see what Marisa selects for her next brisk walk outdoors. The goal is to be pleasantly unique. I am confident she will get it right next time!

Being Unsentimental Can Be A Good Thing

While reorganizing an unused bedroom, I came across one of my favorite childhood dolls. This rag doll, whom I named Carol after my friend, has a crank used to vocalize a few phrases, though because of it's age, the phrases are no longer audible. The doll, dating back to 1953, is one of the few remaining items I still have from my childhood. I picked up the doll, considering dumping it in the garbage. The fabric on the hands and feet were badly worn with holes showing the aged stuffing. Then I glanced at a framed picture of the Carol doll, dated 1955, hanging on the wall. The doll was so special to me that I had drawn a detailed picture. I put the doll back on the shelf, not having the heart to throw it away. I realized that the sentimental value was just too strong.

I stopped to make a comparison to my daughter with autism. Once Marisa had been extremely attached to a favorite stuffed Gund dog named Mutsy. She had received Mutsy as a gift when she was 15 months old. From the time she had set eyes on the dog, it had become an inseparable item to her. Like a security blanket to some, Mutsy went everywhere with Marisa. Then when she was 12 years old, she started to wean herself away from the dog. First Mutsy was left at home. After a number of months, Mutsy was put away in a drawer. Then, one day, while cleaning out her room, Marisa told me to throw Mutsy away.

"In the garbage?" I asked in horror, as I started to feel the pain of a lost friend.

"He's old and torn, and I don't need him any more! I'm a big girl now. Mutsy is for babies," was her answer.

It was extremely difficult for me to put Mutsy in the garbage. I thought, What if she regrets it later? Then what? I asked her again, and she reassured me that her decision was final. I put Mutsy in a plastic garbage bag. Sealing the bag, I put it in the non-perishable garbage away from food items. I thought, At least it's in clean garbage, and I don't have to look at it there. I then thought about the old worn out dog all night before the garbage was picked up in the morning. I even considered retrieving it from the trash. But then I realized how silly I was being. Marisa didn't need or want Mutsy any more. It was that final a decision for her. She was right! The dog with it's button eyes and nose, which had long since replaced the original ones, and it's limp and bare neck and body sadly lacking in stuffing, showed the many years of use and love. I contemplated that Mutsy had served it's purpose well.

So what was it about this that dawned on me as such a special moment? I considered the difference between neuro-typicals, like myself, and someone on the autism spectrum, like Marisa. The fact that Marisa got over the need for Mutsy and the need to keep him, shows she is not as affected by sentimental attachments as I am. This may actually be a very good trait!

Many of us keep things forever! We are unable to let go, because of the sentimental attachments we form. Just as Marisa was so able to part with Mutsy, I noticed she was also able to part with old clothes, other toys and items in her bedroom that she had outgrown physically or emotionally. I considered the ease with which she was able to part with these items and realized there was a positive aspect to this. Out of all the members in my family, Marisa is by far, the neatest and most organized. She knows exactly what she has, where to find things she needs, and is meticulous in caring for everything she owns. Her surroundings are amazingly uncluttered!

I paused to think about the implications of this, and realized that Marisa had some very useful character traits. Why can't I be more like Marisa? Then I thought about how we are all unique with various abilities, strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect! Don't we all try to utilize our best qualities to find jobs we are able to excel in to enjoy and achieve our life goals? Then why not take the strongest and best traits of our children with autism and channel those traits in to marketable jobs? Feeling useful and needed will ultimately lead to growing confidence and healthy self-esteem. Being included and able to contribute what we are good at to society can and will make us all winners. Isn't that the goal we are all striving for?

So if Marisa is able to toss out something old and start fresh with something new and different, rather than cringe and think, how can she do that? I now say, "Good for you! Keep it up!" Because, some day, Marisa's going to use all her wonderful skills to do something she will be good at and maybe even earn money doing it. I hope that day will come when Marisa will be able to say, I'm proud and happy with what I'm able to do, because it comes naturally!

And wouldn't it be nice if we could all say the same?

Learning to Care for Others While Teaching a New Skill

Marisa loves to exercise. She enjoys Nintendo Wii Fit and Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party. Interactive exercise activities that use a TV screen, are a wonderful incentive for kids to get in shape. It certainly worked for Marisa, but I learned there is more to be gained from this form of exercise than meets the eye.

Along with the benefit of exercise, there is the ability to improve one's reading and comprehension. In a very functional way, while reading the on screen directions, one must be able to focus and fully understand what is required. If necessary, a parent should help their child through the steps, until they are able to grasp the meaning of the instructions on their own.

When Marisa first received Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party, she requested that I buy her a second mat.

"Why do you need a second mat?" I had asked.

"Because I want a friend to play along with me," she said.

When we purchased Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2, Marisa did get her second mat. Then she was ready to start having friends over to play with her. She thought that having someone to dance along with her would be great fun, but was not prepared at all for what was to come. She wanted to have fun, but didn't realize that in order to do this, she might have to teach her friend what to do.

Marisa was very excited when a friend came over to play Dance Dance Revolution with her. I watched Marisa get ready to dance. Then I realized there was going to be a real problem, since she was not ready or willing to teach the game to her friend.

"Marisa, you need to go over the steps with your friend, and then start out on the easiest level, until he is familiar with what to do," I told her.

Realizing that the fun of dancing with a friend was not going to happen until she offered some guidance, Marisa took the time to go over the steps. I watched, and then they began.

As the music started to play, and the arrows moved along on the TV screen, I was amazed at how Marisa suddenly took charge. She called out each move with such purpose and authority I had never seen or heard before. She not only watched the screen and did each move, but watched her partner to make sure he was in step with her.

I stood there in awe of this new skill! Not only was Marisa following the steps and keeping in time, but she was helping her friend to stay on track with her. I realized that we had most certainly reached a very special milestone that day. Marisa, my daughter with autism, was thinking of another person's need. She was actually being a teacher. Certainly what was involved was more than the ability to comprehend instructions. Compassion and understanding of someones need for help was a bonus I had not anticipated when I purchased this game. Yet, here it was occurring in a very natural way. A new idea came to mind. Was it too much to believe that Marisa might actually be able to have a job helping others learn to dance some day?

Yesterday, Marisa walked in the door at 5:30 P.M. It was a long day. I asked her how her day was. Her reply was a total surprise!

"Good ... and how was your day at work mom?"

Then I thought, perhaps Marisa really had developed the ability to understand other people's feelings. Was it possible that Wii Dance Dance Revolution played some small part in helping her get there?

"Eggplant Rolls ...Coming Right Up!"

When Marisa was little, I never thought the day would come when she would be able to eat a varied diet. Then when I started offering 10 points for trying a new food, she ever so slowly started to expand her food choices.

Today, at 19, Marisa has become a true food connoisseur, always ready to try just about anything. Presently, when she approaches me with a new recipe, though I might not be that eager to venture too far from my tried and true favorites, I have to be willing to comply with her request. How can I in good conscience, possibly say no to someone who is so eager to expand her culinary experiences ... especially someone who used to be so limited in her food choices?

How can I say no to such recipes as:

Cherry Tomato Salmon, which by the way turned out to be spectacular,

Black Bean Tacos, which needed a bit of tweaking to make it a winner,

Grilled Asparagus and Zucchini Lasagna, which made me complain about the steps involved, but I tried to sound optimistic, because it wouldn't have been fair to discourage Marisa. As it turned out it was also quite good, and I assured Marisa that next time will be easier because, as I pointed out to her, experience with recipes is like anything else ... you improve and perfect after the first time, because we all learn by doing.

Tonight's recipe will be Eggplant Rolls. I can't say how it will turn out, because Marisa and I haven't made this one yet, but after reading the recipe over a few times, I am hopeful, even though I'm not very good with eggplant.

Marisa has not only learned to try many different foods, but she has taken it upon herself to pursue a healthy and nutritious diet, one with a good deal of fruits and vegetables, high fiber, and foods that include heart healthy fats.

This crusade to eat healthy was with the intention of losing the extra 25 pounds she carried around from years of eating fast food as a young child. This all stemmed from being on a stubbornly limited diet. I honestly have to say that I didn't think she would succeed in reaching her weight loss goal, but succeed she did ... reaching her goal weight by making healthy food choices and exercising daily.

There is a lesson to be learned from this. Have faith in the goals our children set for themselves. If something is important for us to achieve, we try to find a way to motivate ourselves to reach that goal. Why should it be any different for our special needs kids? We need to find out what it is that motivates each of our children, so they can work on reaching their goals.

So these days when Marisa approaches me with a new recipe to try, I think, Good for you! You're going to make us a healthier family. Then what else can I say, but "Eggplant Rolls coming right up!"

I hope this will be another winner!

What's Private? What's Not?

Marisa was clicking away at the computer. She was on IM and responding to someone else.

"Who's there?" I asked her.

"Oh just someone." she responded as she clicked away at the keys.

This didn't sound right to me.

I rushed over to see what was up. I saw an angry response from the sister of one of Marisa's friends.

"How rude! How dare you ask me that?" the girl responded.

"Marisa what did you ask?"

"Oh, just for Robert's password."

"Marisa what do you think the purpose of a password is anyway? It is a secret code to a person's private account whether it is for e-mail, Facebook or a bank account. It isn't meant to be shared with anyone else, because it's that person's private records. It's okay to ask for birthdays, schools attending, or perhaps where someone is going on vacation, but NEVER a password!"

"Oh, okay, I'm sorry!" she replied.

"Well, tell that to Robert's sister, not to me," I responded.

Marisa quickly sent an IM apology and explained that her mother yelled at her for asking for Robert's password. She then received a quick and understanding response. "That's okay, your mom shouldn't be so hard on you. You're forgiven."

I realized that this girl must really understand Marisa's disability to be so quick at forgiving.

Marisa sighed with relief, but then giggled at what she must have realized was her sneakiness and mischievous request. I started to think about what she did, and I wondered how clever she really is.

"Were you playing innocent with Robert's sister?" I asked Marisa.

She giggled again and remarked, "Well, I thought it didn't hurt to ask?"

Marisa then explained that she thought she could get into her friend's e-mail and check out who he corresponds with. She IS smarter than I thought.

"Marisa, some things are private and should stay private. It is NEVER okay to ask for anyone else's password ... EVER, and by the way ... don't give out your passwords either."

"Okay!" she replied with another giggle under her breath.

Then I thought ... I better keep watching those IM remarks ... just in case!

Much to Gain from Drama Club

Another year is almost over and for Marisa that also means another year of drama club at her town program for special needs. Last week Marisa played Mrs. Banks in the town's performance of Mary Poppins. The club met once a week from October to May and culminated with a performance on stage in front of parents and friends. It was nice for the group to get together to socialize, while working on the production of their show, but there's actually a whole lot of learning going on while having fun.

The group, made up of 26 teens and adults with special needs, had more to gain than socializing. They participated in choosing the show to be performed and had an opportunity to audition for their parts. When the parts were assigned, each participant was given a script to take home with their own lines highlighted. Each week the group would meet and practice together. The required interaction of the participants inevitably created many opportunities for social skill development, because the success of the show was dependent on the cooperation of all involved.

Once Marisa brought her script home, we began to practice daily for the end of year performance. The first thing I did was prepare a set of 3x5 cards for Marisa with her lines written on each card in the order in which they appeared in the script. Marisa then had a complete set of her lines on a ring binder to use during our rehearsals. I read the entire script, cuing Marisa when her lines would come in. During our rehearsals, I became aware of the many skills that could be learned from participating in drama.

The most striking, initially, was developing the ability to listen and comprehend. In order to know her lines, Marisa had to focus on listening and comprehending what was being said. Without those two skills, she would hardly know when to respond with her own lines. For someone on the autism spectrum, focusing on a story and comprehending the words being read could be a difficult task. I knew it certainly was hard for Marisa. Having to speak and interact with another character forced Marisa to pay attention.

Another skill to be gained from dramatization is the ability to speak with expression and compassion. Marisa's tone of voice, which initially was flat in the early stages of our rehearsals, eventually came alive with feeling and inflection. I frequently interrupted our rehearsals to discuss the mood in a particular scene and the expressiveness required by what her character was saying. Marisa would repeat the lines a few times in an attempt to get it right. And I, in turn, would encourage her with a positive remark, "very good!" or "much better" or "perfect!" There's also the ability to speak clearly and project one's voice with confidence. People with special needs often are afraid to speak up and express themselves, but through drama they have the chance to overcome their fear.

When the curtain went up and the show began, I and everyone else could feel the energy in the auditorium. The performers on stage were ready! They had put in eight months of work, as a group, to get to this proud moment. The effort showed in the performance and the entire group, upon completion of a job well done, walked off the stage feeling happy, proud and accomplished.

This week Marisa went on a 3 day overnight school trip to Rocking Horse Ranch. She had been looking forward to the trip for the entire year and was happy and excited to be going. A few days before the trip, while waiting for a red light to change on our way to her bowling league, I asked her,

"Are you excited about your trip?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "but I'm going to miss you SOooo MUCH!"

I turned around and looked at her in awe. Then she returned my gaze.

"Oh ... what a sweet thing to say to me. I'm going to miss you so much too! But you're going to have a wonderful time with your friends," I said.

Then I stopped to think about all the times I had helped Marisa to put expression in her voice while rehearsing for her part in the play and I thought ... how amazing her remark was about missing me. Never before had I heard so much expressiveness in a single comment.

Learning Etiquette on Instant Messaging

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa quickly responds to a friend's instant message.

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa responds to friend number 2 on instant messaging.

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa responds to friend number 3 on instant messaging???

Does Marisa had social deficits? Yes she does, but is trying her best to overcome them.

I quickly run over to the computer where she sits clicking away on the keys. I see that she is instant messaging 3 friends at once, responding to them but often ignoring statements they make in regard to themselves and their latest ventures.

"Marisa, you ignored your friend's comment. How would you feel if they ignored some good news you told them about? Go back, go back!" I said.

Marisa goes back to the previous friend's IM where we quickly discuss some possible responses to her friend. I stand by and watch as the POP! POP! of her other two friends come up in the IM boxes. I try to help Marisa navigate through the give and take of conversation in writing. She manages to juggle all three and then shuts off.

"NO, NO!" I said. "Go back and end the conversation."

Marisa goes back on IM and finishes with, "I have to go now. See you tomorrow!"

"Much better," I said. "You don't want your friends to think you vanished in the middle of a conversation."

IM has turned out to be a marvelous teaching tool for developing conversational skills. What's nice about it is that if you are watching, you are able to point out errors and areas for improvement. For example, when Marisa didn't respond to something a friend said, I was able to explain to her that her friend would be disappointed if she ignored their comment.

"How would you feel if they ignored some good news you told them about?" I had asked.

That made Marisa more aware of her responses. Those on the autism spectrum seem to focus on their own interests and ideas, often blocking out or showing no interest in what others have to say. The art of conversation is an important social skill. By using IM with a support person nearby, one has an opportunity to learn this skill. With practice, the ability to hold a meaningful conversation will have a greater chance of being mastered or at least improved. Friendships among those on the autism spectrum can and should be nurtured. Then perhaps conversational skills with the neurotypical population will have a greater chance for success too!