Being Safe in Cyberspace

It's interesting that for a young adult with autism, one would think that socializing would be very difficult, but Marisa is one who is too sociable, not always knowing how to set limits and be safe. When she was much younger she would approach a person that she thought would make a good friend, and sometimes get into trouble. She couldn't recognize that they may not be interested in being friends or perhaps were not appropriate as friends. When she finally learned that she should not talk to strangers, she thought that was all she had to know to be safe from potential harm.

Then she became very knowledgeable on the Internet, and after learning to "IM" and join social networks, she once again had to be taught to take extra care of Internet safety by setting her account privacy settings on "friends only." As I was busy preparing dinner last night, I could hear Marisa speaking the words she was typing to someone on facebook. "I do not know you." she wrote. I dropped what I was doing to rush over to the computer, only to see her conversing with a man whose image was mostly hidden in dark shadow. "Who is this?" I said. Marisa responded that she didn't know. I scanned the brief on-line conversation and saw that this stranger had written, "Your name popped up on my page." I immediately told Marisa to check her privacy settings to make sure they was set correctly to "friends only." To my horror Marisa's settings were set at "everyone." I don't think this was Marisa's fault, because we had set her account to "friends only" originally. Perhaps when facebook redid their website, the account settings had to be redone. So together we reset all to "friends only."

Once the settings were changed, we went back to look at the strangers profile, because Marisa wasn't sure if this was possibly someone she did know. Of course after we checked the profile, Marisa was able to realize on her own, that this man was much older and lives quite far away from us. "I don't know him!" she said with certainty. "And what do you think you need to do now?" I said. "I'll delete him!" she said. And that was that.

So even though this was a scary situation to me, it was a learning experience for both of us. Stay tuned to what you child is doing and don't ever assume all is well. But also, in spite of what happened, I still realize that although Marisa was conversing briefly with this person, she was wise enough to know that he was a stranger. I have to wonder what would have happened if I didn't rush right in and take over. Perhaps she would have been smart enough to delete him without my saying so.

For Marisa the lesson learned was to check her account settings frequently to make sure they are set properly on "friends only." We need to remember how empowering it is for a young adult with special needs to be able to play a role in looking out for their own safety. It's a confidence builder for sure! I know my daughter will be happier knowing how to make the right choices for herself while learning to navigate her way safely in a confusing world, and she knows that I will always be there to offer the supports she may need along the way.

Goals of Their Own

As I glanced at pictures of Marisa to add to this blog, I thought back at how much she has improved her appearance. I stopped to wonder. When did this happen? I realized that for many years, when she was still a young child, her diet was extremely limited. This is a problem for many parents of children with autism or other special needs. Many of our kids love french fries, chicken nuggets and soda. It seems to be the food that is most agreeable to them. It is so much easier to give in and make our kids happy. I am also guilty of this, because for a very long time I rewarded Marisa with fast food kids meals three times a week. I'm not saying it's a terrible thing to eat fast food occasionally, but as a regular habit three or more times a week, one must realize it's going to show physically. In Marisa's case it did. Even though "Try a new food" was listed on her goal chart as being worth 10 points, it wasn't enough to help her change her diet to a healthier one. At the age of ten she was beginning to go above the average weight for girls her age, and that weight continued to increase over the next few years. By the time she was 15, she weighed 140 pounds. For a girl of 5'2" this was a bit high. Something clearly had to be done.

Any opportunity I had, I would remind Marisa that just trying one bite of something new would enable her to earn 10 points. I was hoping that adding new foods to her diet would help decrease some of the bad foods. This was a good start, but then at some point we had to decrease the number of days Marisa ate fast food for dinner. It was a very gradual process. I do remember as Marisa checked her appearance in the mirror daily and realized that she was not liking the extra weight she was seeing, she became more interested in those new foods I was encouraging her to try. Believe it or not, when one fast food day was eliminated Marisa's weight started to drop, so she became more receptive and willing to eliminate the second fast food day. This took about a year, but then one day Marisa said to me that she no longer wanted that one last fast food meal each week that she was still having. When I asked her why, she simply said, "I don't want to be fat."

Then about a year ago, Marisa came home from school and told me that she wanted to weigh no more than 110. I didn't know where this figure was coming from so I asked her. She showed me a chart she had received at school in which healthy weights were listed by age, gender and height, and sure enough she was right on target. For her height and age, her healthy weight range was between 110-120. Well, that was the beginning of a self-imposed goal. Marisa had decided on her own that she was going to eat healthy and exercise daily to reach her optimal weight. How amazing is that? Over the course of a year I watched the pounds melt away and watched as my daughter started to exercise regularly. "Where did you get these exercises from?" I asked one day. "From my Seventeen Magazine!" she said. I was very impressed as I left her room.

Marisa continues to surprise me as she works toward her optimal weight goal. "Here are some healthy dinner recipes!" she said one day as she handed me a printout from the computer. Wow! My daughter was now changing MY diet, telling ME what to cook and eat to stay healthy. "Hey, this does look good!" I said. "I'll buy these ingredients for next week." And so Marisa has helped us all improve. She has shown my whole family what incredible discipline she has and we are all so proud of her.

The point of this story is that sometimes our special needs children may feel so strongly about what they want, that we may be pleasantly surprised when they are able to define and achieve their own goals all by themselves. Whether it is a health goal, academic goal, or a social goal we are there to encourage them and give them the credit they so deserve for doing it on their own and in their own way.

Results!

I added Marisa's new goal "lower voice" to her daily goal chart and placed her chart on the kitchen table where it would be the first thing she would see when she came home from school. Normally, Marisa keeps her chart on her desk in her room, but I wanted to be there to explain the new goal to her when she first spotted it out of it's usual place.

Sure enough, when she entered the door and placed her things down on her chair, she saw the "lower voice" goal which was deliberately printed in a different color. I then explained the purpose of the goal. Marisa's response was, "I don't want to do it!" I said, "Don't you think it's worth an extra point?" and she said, "No, three points!" I said,"Okay, it's a deal! It's definitely worth it!"

Later in the evening, when I picked Marisa up from her drama club, I asked her what she did in class. As she told me the events of the evening, I realized that the volume of her voice had definitely gone down. "Wow! You're doing a great job of lowering your voice!" I said. I wanted to make sure Marisa knew that I recognized her efforts. Now I know she is very much aware of her new goal, because when I checked her chart this morning, there were 3 points marked next to the "lower voice" goal for yesterday!

A New Goal!

For the benefit of those reading this who have not read my book, I will briefly explain Marisa's goal chart which has been in effect since she was 4 years old. Marisa earns points daily toward special rewards of her choosing. For example, each day she may earn points for doing one nice thing for someone else, reading a book of her choosing for at least 20 minutes, answering the phone, taking written phone messages, writing her days events and emptying the garbage in her bathroom and bedroom. These are just some things she earns daily points for. She chooses special rewards, and when she earns the required number of points, she receives her reward. Then she starts again to earn points toward a new reward. The value of the chosen reward plays a part in determining the number of points required.

Last night when I attended a special meeting for parents of children with special needs, Marisa along with friends whose parents were at the meeting, were being kept busy in the next room. Before the meeting, I informed Marisa that the wall separating the two rooms was thin, and she needed to try to keep her voice down. Unfortunately she did not follow through, and during the meeting, she could clearly be heard through the wall.

After the meeting I mentioned to her that she was heard above everyone else, including the speaker at the meeting I was attending. Though I told her I was happy that she was having such a good time, I informed her that she needed to be more conscious of lowering her voice. This morning I added "lower voice" to her goal chart to help make her more conscious of lowering her voice. She will earn a daily point for this goal and having the visual reminder on her daily chart will help her become more aware. Along with the visual reminder, my verbal reminders should help bring about a change. I am hopeful!

My New Blog - Day 1

Since writing my book, Finding Marisa - A Mother's Story, published in 2007, so many good things have happened for Marisa. Although I am continuing to keep a journal of what I consider to be important events in Marisa's life, I have decided that for my own benefit and hopefully for the benefit of others, I would post daily positive moments here.

Each day I will try to find a positive moment with Marisa that will be a learning experience for her. I strongly believe that we all learn from the many things that happen to us in a day, and we all continue to learn throughout our lives. Every experience one has is a learning experience, and so my purpose here will be to find at least one positive learning experience to post each day. For example, just crossing the street can be a learning experience in the realm of safety. Likewise, opening the door to a store and letting other customers out before you push your way in, is an important social skill to be learned. Moments like this should not be lost. It is "functional learning" and "incidental learning" that is so important in the lives of our children with autism and special needs. These important moments should not be lost or overlooked. Hopefully by posting my special moments with Marisa, it will help others become more aware of the many special learning moments that are possible with their own children.