Showing Compassion for Those with Other Disabilities

"How come your bus is 20 minutes early?" I asked Marisa one morning.

"Susan is absent," Marisa answered.

I understood from numerous conversations with Marisa, that Susan was a student on the bus who attended a special school for children with physical disabilities. Because of the need for a wheelchair, extra time was needed for picking up the student in the morning and dropping her off at home in the afternoon.

"Did you ever talk to her?" I asked Marisa.

"No, I listen to my ipod," she responded.

I didn't think too much about this until one day when we went to our village Town Hall to vote. As Marisa came out of the voting booth, she had a noticeable look of delight and surprise to see a familiar face. She ran up to a woman waiting in line to vote, and gave her a warm greeting and a hug, asking her how Susan is. After explaining to Marisa that her daughter had major surgery, she turned to her husband and remarked,

"I can't believe she remembers me!"

I approached the woman and introduced myself as Marisa's mom.

"How does Marisa know you?" I asked.

She informed me that her daughter was on Marisa's bus but was out for a few months because she required major surgery on her knee. After a brief conversation to inquire about Susan's progress, we left Town Hall.

I said to Marisa, "What nice parents Susan has! How come you never spoke to Susan on the bus?"

Marisa's answer surprised me. "She uses a wheelchair."

"Well that isn't a reason not to talk to someone," I said. "She has a physical disability. There are all kinds of disabilities. You have a disability too. How would you feel if someone decided not to speak to you because you have autism?"

Marisa surprised me when she replied, "I like people with autism."

"Well that's very nice, but it doesn't make it okay to ignore others just because their disability is different from yours. Because you have a disability, I think you might try to be more accepting of others with disabilities. Try to be understanding of someone else with a disability. By doing so, more people will perhaps be more accepting and understanding of you too!"

A week later, my dad was rushed to the emergency room. After numerous days in the hospital he made it home in time for Father's Day. We went to see him at home that day. He clearly was not himself and was unable to walk around without a great deal of assistance. Marisa remained quiet but apparently observant.

The next day, my dad called to speak to me, but Marisa answered the phone with her usual greeting, "Hi grandpa, how are you?" Usually at this point she would shove the phone at me and run to her goal chart to record her points for answering the phone with a standard greeting. Instead, she said to him, "Are you feeling better today?" She then waited for an answer.

I stopped what I was doing and realized then that Marisa had gone the extra mile. She was showing acceptance, understanding and compassion for her grandpa, who she had seen and realized was clearly unable to move around by himself. She had stepped outside her self-centered world and shown concern for an other's well being. What more can a mother of a child with autism ask for?

Choosing Appropriate Clothing to Match the Occasion

Sunday morning I woke up at 8 A.M. expecting a gloomy rainy day as the forecast had predicted. I parted the bedroom curtain and was pleasantly surprised to see a bright sunny morning. I slowly made my way to the kitchen for my morning coffee. Within seconds, Marisa appeared in a whirlwind of enthusiasm. As she burst into the room she announced,

"I'm going for a walk!"

I looked up and was startled by what was before me. Marisa, wearing a fanny pack, key in hand, was dressed in denim cut-off short shorts with her favorite black and pink tile belt, chain links dangling from the side. Paired with this was her disco ready skin tight black and blue sequin tank top with a streaming silk black bow down the back. Her white bra straps were clearly visible as an eyesore.

"Not like that!" I yelled back to her. "Go back and put on a more appropriate top. Then later you can change back into your sequins, but pair it with a dark colored bra."

Marisa, who is usually amazing at putting together her daily outfits and work-out shorts and tops that she wears at home to go on the treadmill, didn't seem to have a clue as to why her choice of clothing for a brisk walk was so inappropriate.

"You look like you're looking for a roll in the hay with some guy!" I informed her. "Is that what you want?"

"NO!" she answered.

She quickly rushed back to her room and reappeared in a two-toned floral tank top that was fitting to the occasion. Then off she went for her walk.

So what would have happened if Marisa went out the door to take a walk wearing disco-ready clothes? Probably nothing though she may have gotten a few stares. On second thought, she may have realized, after her walk, that sequins would have made her hot and sweaty. Then she wouldn't have been able to wear the top for the rest of the day. Alright, so maybe I should have let her learn from experience, but nevertheless, it's a good idea to know what is and is not appropriate for various occasions.

I can remember numerous times when I spotted someone in some outlandish outfit that made me and everyone else around do a double take. There was the woman in the supermarket wearing cowgirl clothes from the hat down to the fringed skirt and boots; another in her fifties wearing little girl hair clips with mini bows and lace that would have been fine on a two year old; and the young woman wearing skin tight wet-look pants with a waist length denim jacket while shopping for produce in the supermarket. I will never forget the looks that she got from people who just couldn't take their eyes off her. It was actually very humorous to witness.

So what should the goal be when it comes to appropriate attire for every occasion? We should look presentable and pleasant without drawing excessive attention to ourselves. There are clothes that are appropriate in the workplace just as there are clothes for parties, gardening, shopping in the supermarket, going to the beach and working out. Usually Marisa gets it right, but for those times when her judgement is just a bit off, some guidance can't hurt. Just as children and adults on the autism spectrum want to fit in by learning appropriate behaviors, they need to also learn what is appropriate attire to match the numerous occasions they will encounter. I'm not saying that we have to appear boring as if in uniform. We can learn to blend in with what is appropriate and pleasing, but still be creative and individual just as various flowers blend in a way that is pleasing to the eye. They go together as a group but are all unique in their own way.

I can't wait to see what Marisa selects for her next brisk walk outdoors. The goal is to be pleasantly unique. I am confident she will get it right next time!

Being Unsentimental Can Be A Good Thing

While reorganizing an unused bedroom, I came across one of my favorite childhood dolls. This rag doll, whom I named Carol after my friend, has a crank used to vocalize a few phrases, though because of it's age, the phrases are no longer audible. The doll, dating back to 1953, is one of the few remaining items I still have from my childhood. I picked up the doll, considering dumping it in the garbage. The fabric on the hands and feet were badly worn with holes showing the aged stuffing. Then I glanced at a framed picture of the Carol doll, dated 1955, hanging on the wall. The doll was so special to me that I had drawn a detailed picture. I put the doll back on the shelf, not having the heart to throw it away. I realized that the sentimental value was just too strong.

I stopped to make a comparison to my daughter with autism. Once Marisa had been extremely attached to a favorite stuffed Gund dog named Mutsy. She had received Mutsy as a gift when she was 15 months old. From the time she had set eyes on the dog, it had become an inseparable item to her. Like a security blanket to some, Mutsy went everywhere with Marisa. Then when she was 12 years old, she started to wean herself away from the dog. First Mutsy was left at home. After a number of months, Mutsy was put away in a drawer. Then, one day, while cleaning out her room, Marisa told me to throw Mutsy away.

"In the garbage?" I asked in horror, as I started to feel the pain of a lost friend.

"He's old and torn, and I don't need him any more! I'm a big girl now. Mutsy is for babies," was her answer.

It was extremely difficult for me to put Mutsy in the garbage. I thought, What if she regrets it later? Then what? I asked her again, and she reassured me that her decision was final. I put Mutsy in a plastic garbage bag. Sealing the bag, I put it in the non-perishable garbage away from food items. I thought, At least it's in clean garbage, and I don't have to look at it there. I then thought about the old worn out dog all night before the garbage was picked up in the morning. I even considered retrieving it from the trash. But then I realized how silly I was being. Marisa didn't need or want Mutsy any more. It was that final a decision for her. She was right! The dog with it's button eyes and nose, which had long since replaced the original ones, and it's limp and bare neck and body sadly lacking in stuffing, showed the many years of use and love. I contemplated that Mutsy had served it's purpose well.

So what was it about this that dawned on me as such a special moment? I considered the difference between neuro-typicals, like myself, and someone on the autism spectrum, like Marisa. The fact that Marisa got over the need for Mutsy and the need to keep him, shows she is not as affected by sentimental attachments as I am. This may actually be a very good trait!

Many of us keep things forever! We are unable to let go, because of the sentimental attachments we form. Just as Marisa was so able to part with Mutsy, I noticed she was also able to part with old clothes, other toys and items in her bedroom that she had outgrown physically or emotionally. I considered the ease with which she was able to part with these items and realized there was a positive aspect to this. Out of all the members in my family, Marisa is by far, the neatest and most organized. She knows exactly what she has, where to find things she needs, and is meticulous in caring for everything she owns. Her surroundings are amazingly uncluttered!

I paused to think about the implications of this, and realized that Marisa had some very useful character traits. Why can't I be more like Marisa? Then I thought about how we are all unique with various abilities, strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect! Don't we all try to utilize our best qualities to find jobs we are able to excel in to enjoy and achieve our life goals? Then why not take the strongest and best traits of our children with autism and channel those traits in to marketable jobs? Feeling useful and needed will ultimately lead to growing confidence and healthy self-esteem. Being included and able to contribute what we are good at to society can and will make us all winners. Isn't that the goal we are all striving for?

So if Marisa is able to toss out something old and start fresh with something new and different, rather than cringe and think, how can she do that? I now say, "Good for you! Keep it up!" Because, some day, Marisa's going to use all her wonderful skills to do something she will be good at and maybe even earn money doing it. I hope that day will come when Marisa will be able to say, I'm proud and happy with what I'm able to do, because it comes naturally!

And wouldn't it be nice if we could all say the same?