Learning to Express Empathy

When someone is going through a difficult time, it is sometimes hard for any of us to know how to express our sympathy. However, most neuro-typical people are able to find some way to approach this subject. We know that sad events need to be acknowledged even though we ourselves may not have experienced them. Children with autism, however, may not know how to handle such situations and may not even realize the impact of the sad event on those affected by it. For these reasons, they may need some guidance in how to respond to others grief. Perhaps a friend has a family member who died or a pet has gotten lost.

A few years ago Marisa asked me a question for a very surprising reason. "Mom, when will you die?" I asked, "Why?" She simply answered, "I want daddy to marry PJ's mom! Then he can be my brother!" I was so dumbfounded by what she said and by her way of thinking. She wasn't considering any of the consequences of what she asked. All she was thinking was what she thought would be nice for her. She wasn't concerned with who would be hurt, or even if it could be possible for things to turn out the way she would want. Just because she had a crush on this boy was not a good reason to turn the world upside down. What was most disturbing to me, however, was that Marisa didn't seem to realize the impact of what she asked or how much she hurt my feelings. In order for her to understand, I had to turn it around and ask her the same blatant question, "How would you feel if I suggested that you die in order for something to be different for me?" She obviously didn't like that very much and finally was able to realize how wrong it was. "I'm so sorry mom!" she said after thinking about how much she had hurt me. "I didn't mean it that way."

More recently, Marisa was responding to a friend on IM, who wrote that her grandmother had died. Marisa wrote back about her activities of the day without even acknowledging the friend's grief. "How rude of you not to even say something. I just lost my grandmother," the friend wrote. I was standing behind Marisa and happened to see this, and I was so glad I did. "Marisa, how can you go on writing about your day's activities without even responding to this sad note? How would you feel if it was your grandmother who died?" I asked. "I'm sorry," Marisa said. I suggested she tell her friend that she was not thinking, and tell her how sorry she was to hear the news. The friend accepted that and was feeling better about what happened. I was lucky that I happened to be there at the right moment to correct Marisa's thoughtless mistake.

If a friend is sad and you know it, then ask what is wrong and how you can help.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. It is difficult for children on the autism spectrum to recognize and respond to the grief of others. Facial expression charts and mirrors are wonderful for helping young children recognize different feelings and emotions. When Marisa was very young I purchased a feelings chart to help her recognize facial expressions, and when she was crying she would run to the mirror to look at her face. Although she was able to recognize her own sadness and that of others, she still did not know how to respond appropriately when someone else was sad. I believe empathy toward others can be learned probably best by having the child think of them self in the situation that creates sadness. Marisa was able to understand her friends feelings and my feelings when she thought of her self in our place. Only then was she able to feel the sorrow and come up with her very own appropriate response. Just today, I realized how far Marisa has come.

Over the weekend I developed an awful allergy to pollen in the air. Usually I have hay fever in the fall but this past Saturday I spent almost a whole day outdoors with Marisa's activities. By Saturday afternoon I couldn't stop sneezing, and oddly Marisa had the same problem. "We both seem to have an allergy," I said, "and it's awful," I remarked as we sneezed in unison. Now two days later, we're both much better. When Marisa came home from school today she commented, "Are you feeling better mom?" I was pleasantly surprised as I responded, "Yes, I'm much better, and how are you?" "I'm better too!" she said. I realized then that Marisa was able to empathize with me, because she had been feeling the same miserable symptoms that I had.