Where and With Whom Should My Adult Child Live?

Helping our children with autism learn and grow alongside neuro-typical children is a difficult task. Many of our kids may be struggling through public school in inclusion classes or in self-contained special needs classes and many others may be in special schools. Some may go on to college and earn a college degree and others may earn a high school diploma while still many more may only earn an IEP diploma. No matter what kind of degree our children earn, there comes a time when we also need to think about where and how our special needs adult child with autism will live. The day will come, and sooner than we realize, when there is more to think about than the academic achievement or lack of achievement they have earned. Unfortunately for many of us, the focus remains on academic achievement at the expense of social skills and the need for understanding how to navigate in the world outside the classroom. That is why it is so important to take advantage of those small moments to learn from in every day life.

When Marisa was 15 years old, I started to fill out applications for supported living once she became eligible at the age of 21. I knew that she would most likely not be able to live independently, but I wanted her to be able to have a life of her own ... a home that she could call her own and not her parents home. I felt that for Marisa, this was a step toward becoming the autonomous person she so wanted to be and not be defined by living with us. So I filled out many applications and was content that Marisa was on many wait lists for housing.

Then, more recently I realized that perhaps it would be a better idea to plan not just how she would live but with whom she would live. I also realized that as much as I'd like to pick and choose the people my daughter would live with, it would be even better and more empowering for her if she could test out who she was comfortable living with. With that in mind, I set out to work at planning social events to see if Marisa and some of her friends could get along in social settings that could later lead to long term permanent living arrangements.

In an effort to explore options I set up a lunch date with one of Marisa's girlfriends and her mom. A good deal of Marisa's friends are boys. This may not be surprising since there are 4 times more boys than girls on the autism spectrum, but for the purpose of seeking potential room mates, it seems more important to seek out girls that Marisa would be compatible with. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the girls were able to enjoy a lunch together, and interact with some conversation. Later back at our house, they were also able to enjoy Wii bowling and Dance, Dance Revolution for Wii and then watched some of the Olympic events in Vancouver. During commercial breaks Marisa would leave the room to check her e-mail and then return to see what competition was taking place at the Olympics.

Three hours had passed and the girls were still busy together. Then Marisa came in to the kitchen where I sat talking with her friends mom and said, "I want to do my workout on the treadmill." I sensed that she was having some mixed feelings about ending her get together. "Go change and go on the treadmill then. You can still watch the Olympics in the same room since that's where the treadmill is anyway," I said. I thought to myself, this may not have been the most polite thing to do, but it certainly was better than hearing Marisa ask her friend when she was going to leave. Marisa did not answer me, but stood there thinking about it. She then went back in the den where her friend was still watching the competition. Another hour passed, and I realized that Marisa had made a wise decision. She chose to put off her workout, because her friend was still there. This actually surprised me, because if Marisa didn't care about her friend she would have probably asked her when she was going to leave so she could do her workout. Marisa usually says exactly what she's thinking and apparently she was thinking that her workout could wait. She made a wise decision ... to be polite and spend the time with her friend. Do I think these girls have the potential to live together? I think the answer is most definitely a yes. We'll continue to build on her friendships in the hope that moving out of our house some day will be an exciting adventure among friends rather than a traumatic step into the unknown.