Helping Our Children Understand, Express and Overcome Sadness

I contemplated the subject of my next post as Marisa sat eating an orange. Then I noticed the familiar tears forming in her eyes. She was not quite ready to vocalize her sadness, but I knew at once that it was coming. Who knew what thoughts were brewing in her head to make her suddenly look so sad? Marisa was clearly not her usual jubilant self. Just yesterday afternoon she was dancing and bouncing in time to her favorite tunes on the computer, playing Wii fit and running on the treadmill with her Ipod. Now she was sitting quietly, thinking with tears in her eyes.

I checked the calendar to see if it was that time of month, but when I realized it wasn't, I asked,

"What's wrong Marisa?" She then started to cry in full with tears running down her rosy cheeks. "I want Joey to come to teen lounge," she said in answer to my question. I knew that Marisa had located an old friend from elementary school on Facebook. In fact, she found many old friends on Facebook and sometimes was able to renew a friendship that way. "Well ... e-mail him about teen lounge, and maybe he will come," I suggested, but this didn't seem to be helping her overcome her sadness.

Then I remembered an incident that occurred many years ago. She was sad then too, because a friend she met, at her pre-school for special needs children, was graduating and moving on to an elementary school. She cried and cried day after day about her friend Chris who she would never see again. The children in her school came from many surrounding school districts. Unable to control when and if she would ever be able to see her friend again, she was feeling helpless.

At the time, I told Marisa we could write a letter to her friend and give him her phone number. Marisa's teacher let Marisa deliver the note to Chris who brought it home to his mom. Just being able to do that made Marisa feel she had some control over what would happen. At least she could feel that she was doing something to try to continue the friendship. She felt empowered and came home happy that day. Chris's mom did not call right away, but at least the sadness had passed, and in it's place was a sense of hopefulness. As it turned out, we didn't hear from Chris or his mom, but there were other things to do and Marisa made new friends. Then one day in late August, the phone rang! It was Chris's mom explaining how they had been away on a trip and had saved Marisa's note for when they returned. What a joy it was to Marisa to hear from her old friend! We arranged a get together, and the friendship has continued all through these years.

Now faced with a similar situation, I suggested to Marisa that she write a note to Joey about teen lounge, and include all the necessary information so he could show it to his mom. "Tell me what you want to say, and I will write it down. Then you can copy it in your own writing," I said. Marisa wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She was looking a bit happier. "Okay," she said. As I wrote the words she wanted to say, encouraging her to add the necessary information, the letter formed. Then Marisa went in her room to re-write the letter in her own handwriting and brought it back to put a stamp on the addressed envelope. "Mail it tomorrow!" she said with a hopeful ring to her voice. "First thing in the morning," I answered.

I woke up to a dreary, cold and rainy day, but as Marisa trudged out the door in her rain boots, she was looking optimistic. "Have a nice day!" I said as she left. This afternoon when Marisa returns, I am hopeful that she will be her usual happy self. Understanding the reasons for her sadness, we worked together to overcome the sense of hopelessness she was feeling. Even if Joey never comes to teen lounge, at least Marisa knows that she tried. And who knows! Maybe the simple act of writing a letter can make a dream come true once again. And if not, then at least there's hope to replace the sadness.