Teaching Our Special Needs Children How to Handle Awkward Situations

When the phone rang, I answered to find it was the voice of a young man.

"Marisa?"

"No," I answered.

"Is Marisa there?" he asked.

"No, she'll be home at 5:30," I answered. "Who should I say called?"

"Jay," he said.

"What's your last name?" I asked.

"IT! I ... T," he said with a tentative laugh.

"What?"

Then he told me his name, but since I didn't know who he was, I asked him how he knew Marisa.

"Oh, we met at the town dance last Friday night," he said.

The town dance was an event run by our town recreation program for people with special needs, and this particular event was for people ranging in age from 16 and up. I started to wonder why Marisa had given him the house number rather than her own cell phone number she used for her friends at school and camp.

I engaged him in conversation to find out a little more about him. I learned he had a part time job and was no longer in school. Not wanting to make him self conscious, I did not ask his age.

"What else do you do on the days you're not working?" I asked.

"I might have a doctor's appointment or stay at home," he answered.

"Okay," I replied, "I'll tell Marisa you called. Does she have your number?" I asked.

"No," he said, "I only have hers. I want to get to know her better. You know ... ALONE!."

I suddenly got the feeling that something about this was not right. I decided it was time to make something clear.

"As Marisa's mom, I'll tell you that she doesn't go out alone with men," I said.

"I figured you were her mom, so ... don't tell her that she shouldn't see me alone," he said. "Yuh know ... I want to get to know her better ... ALONE!," was his response.

I was surprised by his brazen attitude and started to get the feeling that this young man may not be quite so young.

"You have many opportunities to see her at town functions, but I will tell her you called. Have a good evening!" I said as I ended the call.

When Marisa arrived home, I asked, "Did you give your phone number out to someone named Jay at the dance?"

"He asked me for my phone number," she answered.

"Did you want to give him your number?"

"Not really ... but he asked!"

"That doesn't mean you have to give it out! How old do you think he is?" I asked.

"Oh ... maybe 30 or 35."

"Well, I think it was wise of you to not give him your cell number," I said. "I guess you wanted me to handle this call for you. You know, it seems to me that you were trying to be polite, but you don't have to give your phone number out to someone you don't really feel comfortable with or want to be friends with," I said.

I decided to call the director of the town program to find out who this person was. After placing the call, I was not surprised to find that he was in fact an individual in his forties. This was clearly not someone that a 20 year old girl should be going out with socially.

Not really knowing how to handle the request for her phone number, Marisa made the wisest decision possible for her at the time. She gave out the house phone number, knowing that I would help her handle this sticky situation.

We teach our kids to be polite. How to turn down a request for an inappropriate relationship is something that needs to be talked about. I realized that it was time to give Marisa the options she would need to be able to politely refuse someones advances without hurting their feelings.

I said, "If you don't feel comfortable in a situation, then it's not right for you. Then it's a good idea to respond in a way that is noncommittal, like:


'It's nice to meet you, but I am not dating.' 


or


' I'll see you at the next town function.'

In any event, I'm happy that you realized this situation was not right for you, and since you didn't know what to say, giving out the house phone number was better than giving out your cell number."

"Okay!" she responded.

There will be other awkward situations for Marisa to be faced with as she enters adulthood. I know that only time will tell if she will be able to handle these as they arise. How to be polite without compromising one's own feelings is a tricky and important social skill to learn, not just for those with special needs, but for all of us as well. Hopefully, her experiences coupled with supportive guidance will help her to make safe and wise choices that will eventually become easier as she navigates her way out in to the real world.