Several months ago Marisa came home from swimming and found her hair scrungee missing while emptying her backpack of all the items.
"Mom, I can't find my scrungee! Where is it!" she cried with noticeable panic in her voice.
I could sense the panic mounting like a volcano rumbling just below the surface, ready to erupt and overflow with it's hot and volatile lava. Sure as a volcano is to erupt, I knew that if Marisa didn't find her scrungee, she would most likely enter upon a full fledged meltdown. I tried reasoning to keep her feelings at bay.
"I'll help you to look for it," I said in a calm even voice, trying to make light of it. "Are you sure you packed it in your bag in the locker room?" I asked, not wanting to waste time looking for something that clearly might have been lost at the gym. You must be thinking, How crazy is it to waste time looking for a simple stretch hair band to hold a ponytail? Surely, one is the same as the next and easily replaceable? Yes, they are easy to replace if they are the basic hair bands, but nothing Marisa chooses to wear is basic. Her hair bands are not just special but are chosen to match certain outfits as well. Once lost, such items, though not costly, are hard to replace with exact duplicates.
So off we went room by room looking for a light pink scrungee with fuzzy fluff all around. We checked the bedroom furniture and floor. We checked the bathroom counter and floor, even lifting the rug. We turned the backpack inside out. We looked under the bed. We checked the wet towel and wet bathing suit. We checked the car, and the path from the car in to the house and down the hall to the bedroom. Then checked everything again. When all was done, I turned to Marisa and said as calmly as possible, "It must have been lost at the gym. Maybe after you packed it, it somehow fell out on the floor while pulling out your pants or shirt to put on. Maybe you should pack the hair band in an outer pocket away from the clothes from now on," I concluded, as I was ready to drop this subject and chalk it up to a new experience to learn from.
But Marisa wasn't having any part of it. She was relentless as she screamed and cried that it couldn't be lost at the gym. I knew it was ridiculous that she could be 22 years old and cry over the obvious conclusion that I had made, so realizing that there had to be more to this mystery, I asked what should have been the obvious first question, "Did you see it here in the house when you got home?"
"Yes," she replied as she continued crying.
"Well then, where did you see it?" I asked.
"It was in the kitchen. I took it out of my bag there," she said.
Now we were getting somewhere, I thought.
"Then lets go back to the kitchen and look there," I said. Why didn't we look there to begin with?
Once in the kitchen, I asked Marisa to show me where she was when she took the scrungee out of her bag.
"I was over here by my chair," she said.
I went to the chair and looked down on the floor. There under the table was the fuzzy, pink scrungee!
You can just imagine the relief and joy I felt ... yes, joy over finding the scrungee!
"Look! Here it is in the dark shadow under the table!" I called with relief and exhilaration.
She knew she had taken it out of her bag and that was why she was so frustrated at not finding it in the first place. Imagine how annoying it is to know something is there, but you can't find it. It has happened to all of us at one time or another.
"Next time, instead of panicking and crying, think back to what you were doing and where you were when you misplaced something. You will have a better chance of solving the problem on your own."
That was a good eight months ago. There hasn't been a single panicked moment since. There have been other similar situations, but thankfully, Marisa has learned to solve many of these by using her head to think things out.
While in the locker room after swimming last week, I was waiting for Marisa to dress. "Do you have your scrungee?" I felt compelled to ask.
"It's in the front pocket of my backpack," she answered.
And I thought, Another lesson learned from one small moment!
"Mom, I can't find my scrungee! Where is it!" she cried with noticeable panic in her voice.
I could sense the panic mounting like a volcano rumbling just below the surface, ready to erupt and overflow with it's hot and volatile lava. Sure as a volcano is to erupt, I knew that if Marisa didn't find her scrungee, she would most likely enter upon a full fledged meltdown. I tried reasoning to keep her feelings at bay.
"I'll help you to look for it," I said in a calm even voice, trying to make light of it. "Are you sure you packed it in your bag in the locker room?" I asked, not wanting to waste time looking for something that clearly might have been lost at the gym. You must be thinking, How crazy is it to waste time looking for a simple stretch hair band to hold a ponytail? Surely, one is the same as the next and easily replaceable? Yes, they are easy to replace if they are the basic hair bands, but nothing Marisa chooses to wear is basic. Her hair bands are not just special but are chosen to match certain outfits as well. Once lost, such items, though not costly, are hard to replace with exact duplicates.
So off we went room by room looking for a light pink scrungee with fuzzy fluff all around. We checked the bedroom furniture and floor. We checked the bathroom counter and floor, even lifting the rug. We turned the backpack inside out. We looked under the bed. We checked the wet towel and wet bathing suit. We checked the car, and the path from the car in to the house and down the hall to the bedroom. Then checked everything again. When all was done, I turned to Marisa and said as calmly as possible, "It must have been lost at the gym. Maybe after you packed it, it somehow fell out on the floor while pulling out your pants or shirt to put on. Maybe you should pack the hair band in an outer pocket away from the clothes from now on," I concluded, as I was ready to drop this subject and chalk it up to a new experience to learn from.
But Marisa wasn't having any part of it. She was relentless as she screamed and cried that it couldn't be lost at the gym. I knew it was ridiculous that she could be 22 years old and cry over the obvious conclusion that I had made, so realizing that there had to be more to this mystery, I asked what should have been the obvious first question, "Did you see it here in the house when you got home?"
"Yes," she replied as she continued crying.
"Well then, where did you see it?" I asked.
"It was in the kitchen. I took it out of my bag there," she said.
Now we were getting somewhere, I thought.
"Then lets go back to the kitchen and look there," I said. Why didn't we look there to begin with?
Once in the kitchen, I asked Marisa to show me where she was when she took the scrungee out of her bag.
"I was over here by my chair," she said.
I went to the chair and looked down on the floor. There under the table was the fuzzy, pink scrungee!
You can just imagine the relief and joy I felt ... yes, joy over finding the scrungee!
"Look! Here it is in the dark shadow under the table!" I called with relief and exhilaration.
She knew she had taken it out of her bag and that was why she was so frustrated at not finding it in the first place. Imagine how annoying it is to know something is there, but you can't find it. It has happened to all of us at one time or another.
"Next time, instead of panicking and crying, think back to what you were doing and where you were when you misplaced something. You will have a better chance of solving the problem on your own."
That was a good eight months ago. There hasn't been a single panicked moment since. There have been other similar situations, but thankfully, Marisa has learned to solve many of these by using her head to think things out.
While in the locker room after swimming last week, I was waiting for Marisa to dress. "Do you have your scrungee?" I felt compelled to ask.
"It's in the front pocket of my backpack," she answered.
And I thought, Another lesson learned from one small moment!
This is my first time responding to a blog so I hope it comes out right. I just had an appointment with Dr. Rubin today and he we talked at length about our autistic children to the extent he had to get back to his patient - me.I read all your blogs and this one is so close to home that I had to respond. My autistic (PDD)18 year old son carries plastic straw with him everywhere. He is a true drummer-never been taught but has outstanding skill. One day we were visiting colleges in Connecticut with my frist born now 21 year old daughter. We soon realized that on the way to sign in my son misplaced his straws (which at that time were twigs from trees.) As he became more adjitated we knew we needed to find his twigs. First I thought, "There are twigs everywhere - we are in Connecticut. I went to acquire two new twigs for him from some nearby bushes. He was NOT interested. So we decided to back track our steps and along the way search the ground for twigs that just might be his. My husband was not thirlled and my daughter thought it was hilarious as we walked under numerous trees searhing for twigs that could be his among the many twigs on the ground. We were almost back to the car and had been quite unsuccessful in finding his twigs. We arrived at the car and thought maybe he dropped them when he got out of the car and they were still on the seat somewhere. We opened the door- no twigs. My son went pass us to the back seat where he was sitting and looked on the inside of the door which had a section for storing things. In that inside storage was several twigs of all shapes and sizes. My son must have known we were going on a long trip and he had the presence of mind to store up on his twigs...just in case....My daughter and I laughed and thought how smart he was. My husband would have no part of that humor. When I read about the scrungee I thought to myself...I can relate.
ReplyDeleteI would like to keep in touch. My son is 18 and I could use some personal advice on what's after 21.The school he attends is wonderful and they are preparing him for life after high school but first hand experience is so helpful.
I also read parts of your book and am planning to purchase it. I see my son in so many of the situations. What is also amazing is that I do not tell people my son has PDD as diagnosed but autism just as you wrote and I am an early childhood educator myself- teaching kindergarten.
What a wonderful story! I love this! Your son is very smart to have planned ahead. He probably figured that you could read his mind and know his twigs were there. I know that Marisa, at times, thinks I can read her mind. I have to remind her that she has to tell me in words, the things she thinks I know.
DeleteAs for after the school years end, I did write a post on just that subject. You might want to contact OPWDD (Office for People With Developmental Disabilities) to ask about ISS (Independent Supports & Services) Program. This is the Self-Determination Program. I've also written numerous posts on that subject. This is person-centered planning. This means the money follows the person rather than going to an agency for Day Habilitation. In Day Habilitation, young adults have to follow the pre-arranged program which usually involves doing some volunteer work as a group. It also involves pre-planned recreation once or twice a week. However, with self-determination, you and your son have a chance to decide how he will spend his time. Marisa has 2 jobs that her support staff takes her to and helps support her if needed. The other two days she goes to the gym, shops at the mall or shops for food, goes to the bank, ice-skating, bowling, or makes a luncheon date with other friends using the Self-Determination program. All this is funded by OPWDD based on the individual's needs. The staff you hire have to go through a rigorous application process and are fingerprinted just like teachers are. The staff also get paid for the miles they drive your son.
The best thing about this program is that because it's individualized, it nurtures self-esteem and helps the individual grow to be a more independent person who is able to pursue goals just like anyone else.
Thanks for respoding some promptly. I will certainly look into several of your suggestions especially SSI. I was never told about it so this is very exciting for me. I will also look into your othr posts on the subject. Will let you know how David and are coming along with our plans.
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