"I want my own digital camera!" Marisa said.
"Well then ... you can earn it for points, or save up for it with your weekly allowance," I replied.
Over the next few months Marisa would not spend a penny of her weekly allowance, because she planned to save for her digital camera.
"Why do you need your own, when you could borrow mine?" my husband asked her.
Marisa took pride in the fact that she could save up and wait many months, before she would be able to purchase her very own digital camera. Each week, she would check her balance after she received her allowance.
From the time she was 4 years old, when I first started her on a behavior goal chart, Marisa knew that she could earn points toward a reward of her choice. In the beginning she earned points for small items. Marisa would earn just 10 points toward a small reward of her choosing. Then, over time she learned to delay her gratification for more valuable things such as a new outfit or a video game. She would count up her points to see how close she was to the 350 points required to receive her special reward ... something she herself had selected. Earning 350 points could take up to a month to earn. For something more costly, the number of points required could be higher. Earning points by following rules, and learning to save a weekly allowance for something special, are both incentives that help teach the importance of planning and saving for the future.
Children are able to learn, from a very young age, that following rules and working on goals such as brushing teeth, wearing a seat belt in the car, sharing toys and learning to say thank you when appropriate, can be enjoyable learning experiences when there are positive reinforcements in place such as a special reward the child can work toward. Older children can work on more sophisticated goals such as learning to answer the phone and take messages, cleaning their room or helping to prepare a meal.Whether it is something they want or something such as a special trip to the mall or a movie, it helps prepare them for being responsible adults.
When Marisa was just beginning to understand the value of earning points toward special rewards, I was criticized by another mother who felt that I was spoiling my young child by rewarding her with gifts.The fact is, those gifts were things Marisa really, really wanted, and because she knew she would be able to earn them, she was motivated to work very hard to earn the points that could then be traded in for her special reward ... a reward earned for a job well done.
The concept of earning is an important one. It gives one a sense of pride to know that they can do a job well if they try. In the real world, we earn money for jobs we are hired to do. We work to pay the bills to support ourselves, and by earning more money, we may even be able to reward ourselves with special things like tickets to a show, new clothing or perhaps save up for a special vacation or even a new home.
Having goals and working to achieve them by earning points or an allowance, helps prepare our children to be independent and responsible. They learn to plan and save and ultimately are rewarded with a sense of accomplishment. Some day they may be lucky enough to earn a salary for a real job and take pride in enjoying the very special reward of being independent and responsible adults.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Are You Looking for A Small Moment to Learn From? Don't Look Too Far ... They're All Around You!
"Good-bye! Have fun! I'll see you later!"
Those were the exact and cheerful words of my daughter, Marisa, as I was walking out the door to pick up some items at the store. Now ... you may be wondering why she wasn't going with me on this particular shopping excursion. Well, the fact is she has wised up and realized that she could get more done by writing items she needs on my shopping list while she stays home to do her week-end workout. Granted, it would be nice to have her come along and help at the supermarket, but on this particular day she has chosen to stay behind.
So now you must be wondering what exactly is my point here! Well, when I heard the cheerful way Marisa said goodbye, it made me stop to wonder. How did she become so animated and upbeat? I mean, rather than simply saying good-bye, she chose to liven it up by suggesting I have fun. It made me feel really, really good to hear the enthusiasm in her voice.
Then I thought about where that was coming from. I thought about all the time we spend together, and how an enormous amount of time is spent just commenting on things around us. For example, when Marisa was very little, I would spend 10 or 15 minutes waiting outside for her school bus. I would fill the minutes with observations around us.
"Look at the beautiful sky with the puffy clouds! See how the wind is making them move so fast?"
After the rain, I would notice lots of worms on the pavement and remark,
"The worms were washed up from the soil by the rain. Let's help them find their way back to the soil where they will be able to stay alive and keep the grass healthy!" We would then search for twigs together, to help place the worms safely on the grass.
"See the bird with the big belly? She's gathering twigs for a nest!" We would watch the birds frantic search for just the right twigs to put together a nest.
Sometimes while driving home in the evening I would comment on the beautiful peachy, pink and blue sky at sunset and remark about how the sun helps create such beauty as it sets. Other times, late at night, while driving home there might be a spectacular moon to observe, and I might draw Marisa's attention to it.
Walking down a hallway in a busy building, Marisa might brush against a passerby and need to be reminded about being more careful to stay within her own space and to learn to say excuse me when needing to pass someone in her way.
We are all learning every single day, whether we have a disability or not. As we get older we are supposed to become wiser. We learn from our life experiences. So of course our special needs children will become older and wiser too, but we can help them by pointing out the little moments to learn from. There's something to be learned every day and every moment in a day, if we open our eyes and let these moments become moments to learn from.
Our children grow into adulthood. Some will be volunteers at jobs, some will volunteer in day hab programs, and some may have paying jobs. All these experiences will have moments to learn from. Volunteering can make one feel they are doing something useful and helpful for the community. It may also pave the way for a paying job.This can build self esteem and in itself, is a learning experience. Likewise, having a paying job means one needs to be very responsible. There is a commitment to being on time, doing the job right, and staying on task. Over time, one may become so proficient on a job that, perhaps they may then be able to advance to a new level. Why? Because, they have learned they're job well and have been able to prove them self capable. Now that would be a major accomplishment not to mention a boost for ones confidence and self esteem!
So no matter how little your child is able to speak and no matter how little you think they are able to understand ... remember ... none of us are in the position of deciding how far our special needs kids will be able to go. Our job is to assume they understand and share our words and thoughts with them from the time they are very little. Our job is to build their confidence and self-esteem so they are able to dream about and possibly achieve their dreams. And if they don't achieve their dreams, it won't be because we didn't help them try. Just keep dreaming and reaching for the sky. There's no time limit, and there's no expiration on hope! Grab the moments as they go by, and make each one count as an experience to learn from. But remember, if your child is happy with what they are doing, then, in one very important respect, they have already succeeded!
Those were the exact and cheerful words of my daughter, Marisa, as I was walking out the door to pick up some items at the store. Now ... you may be wondering why she wasn't going with me on this particular shopping excursion. Well, the fact is she has wised up and realized that she could get more done by writing items she needs on my shopping list while she stays home to do her week-end workout. Granted, it would be nice to have her come along and help at the supermarket, but on this particular day she has chosen to stay behind.
So now you must be wondering what exactly is my point here! Well, when I heard the cheerful way Marisa said goodbye, it made me stop to wonder. How did she become so animated and upbeat? I mean, rather than simply saying good-bye, she chose to liven it up by suggesting I have fun. It made me feel really, really good to hear the enthusiasm in her voice.
Then I thought about where that was coming from. I thought about all the time we spend together, and how an enormous amount of time is spent just commenting on things around us. For example, when Marisa was very little, I would spend 10 or 15 minutes waiting outside for her school bus. I would fill the minutes with observations around us.
"Look at the beautiful sky with the puffy clouds! See how the wind is making them move so fast?"
After the rain, I would notice lots of worms on the pavement and remark,
"The worms were washed up from the soil by the rain. Let's help them find their way back to the soil where they will be able to stay alive and keep the grass healthy!" We would then search for twigs together, to help place the worms safely on the grass.
"See the bird with the big belly? She's gathering twigs for a nest!" We would watch the birds frantic search for just the right twigs to put together a nest.
Sometimes while driving home in the evening I would comment on the beautiful peachy, pink and blue sky at sunset and remark about how the sun helps create such beauty as it sets. Other times, late at night, while driving home there might be a spectacular moon to observe, and I might draw Marisa's attention to it.
Walking down a hallway in a busy building, Marisa might brush against a passerby and need to be reminded about being more careful to stay within her own space and to learn to say excuse me when needing to pass someone in her way.
We are all learning every single day, whether we have a disability or not. As we get older we are supposed to become wiser. We learn from our life experiences. So of course our special needs children will become older and wiser too, but we can help them by pointing out the little moments to learn from. There's something to be learned every day and every moment in a day, if we open our eyes and let these moments become moments to learn from.
Our children grow into adulthood. Some will be volunteers at jobs, some will volunteer in day hab programs, and some may have paying jobs. All these experiences will have moments to learn from. Volunteering can make one feel they are doing something useful and helpful for the community. It may also pave the way for a paying job.This can build self esteem and in itself, is a learning experience. Likewise, having a paying job means one needs to be very responsible. There is a commitment to being on time, doing the job right, and staying on task. Over time, one may become so proficient on a job that, perhaps they may then be able to advance to a new level. Why? Because, they have learned they're job well and have been able to prove them self capable. Now that would be a major accomplishment not to mention a boost for ones confidence and self esteem!
So no matter how little your child is able to speak and no matter how little you think they are able to understand ... remember ... none of us are in the position of deciding how far our special needs kids will be able to go. Our job is to assume they understand and share our words and thoughts with them from the time they are very little. Our job is to build their confidence and self-esteem so they are able to dream about and possibly achieve their dreams. And if they don't achieve their dreams, it won't be because we didn't help them try. Just keep dreaming and reaching for the sky. There's no time limit, and there's no expiration on hope! Grab the moments as they go by, and make each one count as an experience to learn from. But remember, if your child is happy with what they are doing, then, in one very important respect, they have already succeeded!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Planning for Life After the School Years End
A very good article was written in NY Metro Parents October 2010 issue. It was:
A Guide to Planning Ahead for Your Child with Special Needs: Services and Care Options After High School and Beyond by Amber Greviskes
I made a contribution to this very well written article. However, because much of what I wrote was condensed, I have decided to post the information I contributed to the article in it's entirety. It's more than a small moment to learn from but will provide a wealth of information for you and your child's future.
This information is meant to help parents know the steps to take in planning for their special needs child's future. It is a wake-up call. So here it is.
Marisa was diagnosed at 18 months. I vowed from that moment on to do everything I could to ensure that she lead a happy, fulfilling life, long after I am gone.
Time goes by very quickly. I remember many years ago when Marisa was just a toddler, I was watching a video conference by Temple Grandin, the internationally well known person who is classified on the spectrum as Aspergers. She said that parents need to make plans very early. They need to think way ahead because before you know it, the future is here. Think of what your child's strengths are and focus on those.
When Marisa was 4 years old, I took her to a pediatric neurologist who was very knowledgeable in the subject of autism. She gave me some advice that was extremely helpful and has made a tremendous difference in the way Marisa has turned out. She said, "No matter how intelligent your daughter may be, the single most important thing you can do is get her behaviors under control, because that will greatly improve her prognosis." From that moment on, I was determined to set up a working behavior plan that Marisa continues to use today to self-monitor her behaviors. The trick is to pick goals that are achievable,
and offer rewards chosen by the individual. Goals change over time, but the concept remains the same. Marisa earns a certain number of points toward a goal of her choosing. It usually takes her about a month to earn her reward. Of course for a younger child the number of stars or points could be less, because young children may not be able to wait as long for a reward. The idea is to be flexible, and mold the behavior plan to the individual child. A parent once said to me that she thought I was spoiling Marisa by rewarding her with gifts she chose. I said, "Don't we all get rewarded by doing jobs well? Nobody does something for nothing. Most of us get paid for work. That's an incentive and reward after all."
A behavior specialist once asked me, "What are your goals for Marisa's future as an adult?" I thought about it and replied that she would probably live in a group home or a supported apartment because her judgement was poor, but hopefully she would be able to have some kind of job that she would enjoy.
Then he said, "So strive to help Marisa become as independent as she can, so she will be able to get into the best supported living arrangement possible." I always considered this excellent advice. It has motivated me to keep working on Marisa's ADL (activities of daily living) skills.
It's also important for parents to face up to the fact that they will have to plan, and plan early. While our kids are in school, parents would like to believe all is taken care of. Many parents struggle to get services in regular public school programs. Some have their kids go out of district to special schools. Parents are happy when they get the services they want for their child. Some of these kids will be able to graduate from regular schools with regular diplomas and then go on to college. However, it may be a struggle, because in many cases, social skills have been neglected. The result is that many of these kids will have a hard time navigating the college experience on their own.
Others that are not as academically able, will be able to stay in school till they are 21, because by law they are entitled to a free, public education up till that age. However, upon graduating, all services end. Then parents are faced with a rude awakening. Transition planning is supposed to start at age 14, and it is important that parents insist on this from their school districts. Many parents don't want to think about this, so they put off planning till the last year. This is way to late. And what is transition planning supposed to mean? Many parents don't understand that either. There are a number of things that parents need to do:
Before age 18 they need to legally become their child's guardian because once kids turn 18, they can no longer make decisions for their child without legal guardianship. Health insurance companies won't even talk to you, and if your child can't handle their own medical decisions this could be a major problem.
Most important is establishing eligibility from OPWDD (Office for People With Developmental Disabilities). This requires sending psychological test scores to the OPWDD doctor who reviews the child's scores. Eligibility for services requires IQ be below a certain number. If the score is too high, it's important to have a Vineland Second Edition test done. The Vineland tests adaptive living skill level and establishes if the child actually would need assistance in living, even though they may be very capable academically. Parents need to insist on having the required tests for eligibility of OPWDD services done while their child is still in school. This is part of the schools responsibility and should be considered part of the transition planning. Once the child graduates, any testing becomes the responsibility of the parent.
Also parents should apply for SSI (Supplemental Security Income) when their child turns 18. Actually, they are able to apply before 18, but social security decisions are based on family income before age 18.
After age 18, the parents income is no longer included in the decision, and since the disabled child is entitled to receive SSI, it's a good idea to apply as soon as they are 18 years of age. Also, once SSI is received, Medicaid automatically kicks in. Medicaid is important, not so much for the medical insurance, but for the services that are granted through Medicaid. Parents need Medicaid benefits to receive services from OPWDD. These services include Service Coordination which is important to have in order to navigate programs once the child has aged out of school. Of course, to receive services from OPWDD, one needs to have established eligibility, as I mentioned in the above paragraph.
There are so many resources available to parents today. The Internet makes it easy to find many of these wonderful resources. On Long Island we have AHA which is The Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism Association. They have expanded and grown and have a wonderful on-line newsletter at www.ahany.org. There's also the Cody Center at Stony Brook University in Suffolk County and The Fay J. Lindner Center for Autism n Nassau County. In New York City there is an agency called JOBPATH that helps graduates with disabilities find jobs and helps them have smooth transitions in to the working world. In New York State there are numerous other organizations and agencies to call on for help:
Parent to Parent of NYS at www.parenttoparentnys.org
The Jewish Child Care Association at www.jccany.org
The Long Island Advocacy Center at www.theLIAC.org
There are numerous Jewish Community Centers throughout Long Island and the entire Metropolitan area. The Sid Jacobson JCC, The Plainview JCC and most recently The Oceanside JCC have programs to help children with special needs on Long Island.
The bottom line in tips for parents?
Plan, plan, plan and do it early. It will make your life less stressful and easier when your child is grown and ready to go out into the world. Don't put anything off till later, and face the fact that there's a disability to deal with. If your child grows up and grows out of the problem, that's great, but most don't grow out of the problem. Autism is a life long disability. Learn to accept, embrace and work with it. Don't turn a blind eye expecting the schools to do all the work. You have to do your part. You'll reap the benefits later if you do, and your child will be there to thank you in their hearts if not in their words.
A Guide to Planning Ahead for Your Child with Special Needs: Services and Care Options After High School and Beyond by Amber Greviskes
I made a contribution to this very well written article. However, because much of what I wrote was condensed, I have decided to post the information I contributed to the article in it's entirety. It's more than a small moment to learn from but will provide a wealth of information for you and your child's future.
This information is meant to help parents know the steps to take in planning for their special needs child's future. It is a wake-up call. So here it is.
Marisa was diagnosed at 18 months. I vowed from that moment on to do everything I could to ensure that she lead a happy, fulfilling life, long after I am gone.
Time goes by very quickly. I remember many years ago when Marisa was just a toddler, I was watching a video conference by Temple Grandin, the internationally well known person who is classified on the spectrum as Aspergers. She said that parents need to make plans very early. They need to think way ahead because before you know it, the future is here. Think of what your child's strengths are and focus on those.
When Marisa was 4 years old, I took her to a pediatric neurologist who was very knowledgeable in the subject of autism. She gave me some advice that was extremely helpful and has made a tremendous difference in the way Marisa has turned out. She said, "No matter how intelligent your daughter may be, the single most important thing you can do is get her behaviors under control, because that will greatly improve her prognosis." From that moment on, I was determined to set up a working behavior plan that Marisa continues to use today to self-monitor her behaviors. The trick is to pick goals that are achievable,
and offer rewards chosen by the individual. Goals change over time, but the concept remains the same. Marisa earns a certain number of points toward a goal of her choosing. It usually takes her about a month to earn her reward. Of course for a younger child the number of stars or points could be less, because young children may not be able to wait as long for a reward. The idea is to be flexible, and mold the behavior plan to the individual child. A parent once said to me that she thought I was spoiling Marisa by rewarding her with gifts she chose. I said, "Don't we all get rewarded by doing jobs well? Nobody does something for nothing. Most of us get paid for work. That's an incentive and reward after all."
A behavior specialist once asked me, "What are your goals for Marisa's future as an adult?" I thought about it and replied that she would probably live in a group home or a supported apartment because her judgement was poor, but hopefully she would be able to have some kind of job that she would enjoy.
Then he said, "So strive to help Marisa become as independent as she can, so she will be able to get into the best supported living arrangement possible." I always considered this excellent advice. It has motivated me to keep working on Marisa's ADL (activities of daily living) skills.
It's also important for parents to face up to the fact that they will have to plan, and plan early. While our kids are in school, parents would like to believe all is taken care of. Many parents struggle to get services in regular public school programs. Some have their kids go out of district to special schools. Parents are happy when they get the services they want for their child. Some of these kids will be able to graduate from regular schools with regular diplomas and then go on to college. However, it may be a struggle, because in many cases, social skills have been neglected. The result is that many of these kids will have a hard time navigating the college experience on their own.
Others that are not as academically able, will be able to stay in school till they are 21, because by law they are entitled to a free, public education up till that age. However, upon graduating, all services end. Then parents are faced with a rude awakening. Transition planning is supposed to start at age 14, and it is important that parents insist on this from their school districts. Many parents don't want to think about this, so they put off planning till the last year. This is way to late. And what is transition planning supposed to mean? Many parents don't understand that either. There are a number of things that parents need to do:
Before age 18 they need to legally become their child's guardian because once kids turn 18, they can no longer make decisions for their child without legal guardianship. Health insurance companies won't even talk to you, and if your child can't handle their own medical decisions this could be a major problem.
Most important is establishing eligibility from OPWDD (Office for People With Developmental Disabilities). This requires sending psychological test scores to the OPWDD doctor who reviews the child's scores. Eligibility for services requires IQ be below a certain number. If the score is too high, it's important to have a Vineland Second Edition test done. The Vineland tests adaptive living skill level and establishes if the child actually would need assistance in living, even though they may be very capable academically. Parents need to insist on having the required tests for eligibility of OPWDD services done while their child is still in school. This is part of the schools responsibility and should be considered part of the transition planning. Once the child graduates, any testing becomes the responsibility of the parent.
Also parents should apply for SSI (Supplemental Security Income) when their child turns 18. Actually, they are able to apply before 18, but social security decisions are based on family income before age 18.
After age 18, the parents income is no longer included in the decision, and since the disabled child is entitled to receive SSI, it's a good idea to apply as soon as they are 18 years of age. Also, once SSI is received, Medicaid automatically kicks in. Medicaid is important, not so much for the medical insurance, but for the services that are granted through Medicaid. Parents need Medicaid benefits to receive services from OPWDD. These services include Service Coordination which is important to have in order to navigate programs once the child has aged out of school. Of course, to receive services from OPWDD, one needs to have established eligibility, as I mentioned in the above paragraph.
There are so many resources available to parents today. The Internet makes it easy to find many of these wonderful resources. On Long Island we have AHA which is The Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism Association. They have expanded and grown and have a wonderful on-line newsletter at www.ahany.org. There's also the Cody Center at Stony Brook University in Suffolk County and The Fay J. Lindner Center for Autism n Nassau County. In New York City there is an agency called JOBPATH that helps graduates with disabilities find jobs and helps them have smooth transitions in to the working world. In New York State there are numerous other organizations and agencies to call on for help:
Parent to Parent of NYS at www.parenttoparentnys.org
The Jewish Child Care Association at www.jccany.org
The Long Island Advocacy Center at www.theLIAC.org
There are numerous Jewish Community Centers throughout Long Island and the entire Metropolitan area. The Sid Jacobson JCC, The Plainview JCC and most recently The Oceanside JCC have programs to help children with special needs on Long Island.
The bottom line in tips for parents?
Plan, plan, plan and do it early. It will make your life less stressful and easier when your child is grown and ready to go out into the world. Don't put anything off till later, and face the fact that there's a disability to deal with. If your child grows up and grows out of the problem, that's great, but most don't grow out of the problem. Autism is a life long disability. Learn to accept, embrace and work with it. Don't turn a blind eye expecting the schools to do all the work. You have to do your part. You'll reap the benefits later if you do, and your child will be there to thank you in their hearts if not in their words.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Teaching Our Special Needs Children How to Handle Awkward Situations
When the phone rang, I answered to find it was the voice of a young man.
"Marisa?"
"No," I answered.
"Is Marisa there?" he asked.
"No, she'll be home at 5:30," I answered. "Who should I say called?"
"Jay," he said.
"What's your last name?" I asked.
"IT! I ... T," he said with a tentative laugh.
"What?"
Then he told me his name, but since I didn't know who he was, I asked him how he knew Marisa.
"Oh, we met at the town dance last Friday night," he said.
The town dance was an event run by our town recreation program for people with special needs, and this particular event was for people ranging in age from 16 and up. I started to wonder why Marisa had given him the house number rather than her own cell phone number she used for her friends at school and camp.
I engaged him in conversation to find out a little more about him. I learned he had a part time job and was no longer in school. Not wanting to make him self conscious, I did not ask his age.
"What else do you do on the days you're not working?" I asked.
"I might have a doctor's appointment or stay at home," he answered.
"Okay," I replied, "I'll tell Marisa you called. Does she have your number?" I asked.
"No," he said, "I only have hers. I want to get to know her better. You know ... ALONE!."
I suddenly got the feeling that something about this was not right. I decided it was time to make something clear.
"As Marisa's mom, I'll tell you that she doesn't go out alone with men," I said.
"I figured you were her mom, so ... don't tell her that she shouldn't see me alone," he said. "Yuh know ... I want to get to know her better ... ALONE!," was his response.
I was surprised by his brazen attitude and started to get the feeling that this young man may not be quite so young.
"You have many opportunities to see her at town functions, but I will tell her you called. Have a good evening!" I said as I ended the call.
When Marisa arrived home, I asked, "Did you give your phone number out to someone named Jay at the dance?"
"He asked me for my phone number," she answered.
"Did you want to give him your number?"
"Not really ... but he asked!"
"That doesn't mean you have to give it out! How old do you think he is?" I asked.
"Oh ... maybe 30 or 35."
"Well, I think it was wise of you to not give him your cell number," I said. "I guess you wanted me to handle this call for you. You know, it seems to me that you were trying to be polite, but you don't have to give your phone number out to someone you don't really feel comfortable with or want to be friends with," I said.
I decided to call the director of the town program to find out who this person was. After placing the call, I was not surprised to find that he was in fact an individual in his forties. This was clearly not someone that a 20 year old girl should be going out with socially.
Not really knowing how to handle the request for her phone number, Marisa made the wisest decision possible for her at the time. She gave out the house phone number, knowing that I would help her handle this sticky situation.
We teach our kids to be polite. How to turn down a request for an inappropriate relationship is something that needs to be talked about. I realized that it was time to give Marisa the options she would need to be able to politely refuse someones advances without hurting their feelings.
I said, "If you don't feel comfortable in a situation, then it's not right for you. Then it's a good idea to respond in a way that is noncommittal, like:
'It's nice to meet you, but I am not dating.'
or
' I'll see you at the next town function.'
In any event, I'm happy that you realized this situation was not right for you, and since you didn't know what to say, giving out the house phone number was better than giving out your cell number."
"Okay!" she responded.
There will be other awkward situations for Marisa to be faced with as she enters adulthood. I know that only time will tell if she will be able to handle these as they arise. How to be polite without compromising one's own feelings is a tricky and important social skill to learn, not just for those with special needs, but for all of us as well. Hopefully, her experiences coupled with supportive guidance will help her to make safe and wise choices that will eventually become easier as she navigates her way out in to the real world.
"Marisa?"
"No," I answered.
"Is Marisa there?" he asked.
"No, she'll be home at 5:30," I answered. "Who should I say called?"
"Jay," he said.
"What's your last name?" I asked.
"IT! I ... T," he said with a tentative laugh.
"What?"
Then he told me his name, but since I didn't know who he was, I asked him how he knew Marisa.
"Oh, we met at the town dance last Friday night," he said.
The town dance was an event run by our town recreation program for people with special needs, and this particular event was for people ranging in age from 16 and up. I started to wonder why Marisa had given him the house number rather than her own cell phone number she used for her friends at school and camp.
I engaged him in conversation to find out a little more about him. I learned he had a part time job and was no longer in school. Not wanting to make him self conscious, I did not ask his age.
"What else do you do on the days you're not working?" I asked.
"I might have a doctor's appointment or stay at home," he answered.
"Okay," I replied, "I'll tell Marisa you called. Does she have your number?" I asked.
"No," he said, "I only have hers. I want to get to know her better. You know ... ALONE!."
I suddenly got the feeling that something about this was not right. I decided it was time to make something clear.
"As Marisa's mom, I'll tell you that she doesn't go out alone with men," I said.
"I figured you were her mom, so ... don't tell her that she shouldn't see me alone," he said. "Yuh know ... I want to get to know her better ... ALONE!," was his response.
I was surprised by his brazen attitude and started to get the feeling that this young man may not be quite so young.
"You have many opportunities to see her at town functions, but I will tell her you called. Have a good evening!" I said as I ended the call.
When Marisa arrived home, I asked, "Did you give your phone number out to someone named Jay at the dance?"
"He asked me for my phone number," she answered.
"Did you want to give him your number?"
"Not really ... but he asked!"
"That doesn't mean you have to give it out! How old do you think he is?" I asked.
"Oh ... maybe 30 or 35."
"Well, I think it was wise of you to not give him your cell number," I said. "I guess you wanted me to handle this call for you. You know, it seems to me that you were trying to be polite, but you don't have to give your phone number out to someone you don't really feel comfortable with or want to be friends with," I said.
I decided to call the director of the town program to find out who this person was. After placing the call, I was not surprised to find that he was in fact an individual in his forties. This was clearly not someone that a 20 year old girl should be going out with socially.
Not really knowing how to handle the request for her phone number, Marisa made the wisest decision possible for her at the time. She gave out the house phone number, knowing that I would help her handle this sticky situation.
We teach our kids to be polite. How to turn down a request for an inappropriate relationship is something that needs to be talked about. I realized that it was time to give Marisa the options she would need to be able to politely refuse someones advances without hurting their feelings.
I said, "If you don't feel comfortable in a situation, then it's not right for you. Then it's a good idea to respond in a way that is noncommittal, like:
'It's nice to meet you, but I am not dating.'
or
' I'll see you at the next town function.'
In any event, I'm happy that you realized this situation was not right for you, and since you didn't know what to say, giving out the house phone number was better than giving out your cell number."
"Okay!" she responded.
There will be other awkward situations for Marisa to be faced with as she enters adulthood. I know that only time will tell if she will be able to handle these as they arise. How to be polite without compromising one's own feelings is a tricky and important social skill to learn, not just for those with special needs, but for all of us as well. Hopefully, her experiences coupled with supportive guidance will help her to make safe and wise choices that will eventually become easier as she navigates her way out in to the real world.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Building A Future Utilizing the Special Talents of Our Special Children
It was just a few days before my parents wedding anniversary, and I couldn't figure out how many years they were celebrating.
"It's sixty something," I said to my husband, Dan "but I can't remember!" A few years ago we made the 60th wedding anniversary party for them. What year was that?" I asked.
"I don't remember," he answered. It was so annoying not being able to figure it out. Then I had an idea.
"Marisa will know! I'll ask her," I said, as I ran down the steps into the kitchen. There I found her at the computer Instant Messaging some of her friends. I still am amazed at her ability to carry on brief on-line conversations with three friends at once, while searching the Internet for the latest fashion trends. After all, one of Marisa's greatest difficulties is holding a conversation. Yet she is able to do so at the computer and with three people at once. Granted, the responses are brief but nevertheless, they are responses and appropriate at that. It's nice to know she is able to engage in social interactions at the computer and fulfill a need to stay connected with her friends, while exploring the best on-line deals in fashion. Great multi-tasking! I thought.
So there I was about to interrupt her as she continued to click away at the computer keys in rhythm to the i Tunes music she favored.
"Marisa," I started to ask, "what year did we make grandma and grandpa's 60th anniversary party?"
"2003!" she answered without a moments hesitation and without even pausing as she continued to click, click, click away at the computer keys.
"Oh ... thanks!" I answered, somewhat surprised and delighted by the lack of thought that even went into her answer. I thought of what age she was in 2003. She had to be 13 at the time. Then I decided to double check, as I headed for my photo albums numbering some 24 on a shelf in my hall closet. I found the one with pictures from 2003. Sure enough there were the photos of the 60th wedding anniversary party!
"Hey Marisa! You're amazing! You were absolutely correct about the year of that party. How did you know that?" There was no answer. Marisa was deep in thought and conversation at the computer with one of her friends.
"So now how many years are grandma and grandpa married if they celebrated 60 years in 2003?" I asked her.
"67!" she called out to me.
"You got it right! You're amazing! I couldn't have remembered the year of the party. It would have taken me all night to find the correct album with the anniversary party pictures if you hadn't told me the year," I said.
I ran upstairs to share what had happened with Dan.
"Isn't it amazing how she could know that so fast!"
As we sat there thinking about all the things we couldn't remember without Marisa to help us, we thought about Marisa's special abilities; not just for dates but for recalling names, events and even directions for playing games and multi-tasking at the computer. I realized then that these are skills that could be valuable. Could the ability to recall information and remember events be useful in the job market? What about her ability to search the Internet for information. Perhaps these are all marketable skills! So the search should be on for all the jobs out there that can utilize such skills.
The point is that our special needs kids have many abilities that we tend to underestimate, because we allow their disability to overshadow everything else. All of us neuro-typicals have different strengths and weaknesses, but we tend to do the things we are good at and go into professions that favor our strengths. That's what we need to focus on with our special needs children. List the strengths they have, and explore the jobs that could utilize those strengths. Then help them find their place among the rest of us. It may be easier said than done, but if we don't try, then the battle is already lost before it even has begun.
"It's sixty something," I said to my husband, Dan "but I can't remember!" A few years ago we made the 60th wedding anniversary party for them. What year was that?" I asked.
"I don't remember," he answered. It was so annoying not being able to figure it out. Then I had an idea.
"Marisa will know! I'll ask her," I said, as I ran down the steps into the kitchen. There I found her at the computer Instant Messaging some of her friends. I still am amazed at her ability to carry on brief on-line conversations with three friends at once, while searching the Internet for the latest fashion trends. After all, one of Marisa's greatest difficulties is holding a conversation. Yet she is able to do so at the computer and with three people at once. Granted, the responses are brief but nevertheless, they are responses and appropriate at that. It's nice to know she is able to engage in social interactions at the computer and fulfill a need to stay connected with her friends, while exploring the best on-line deals in fashion. Great multi-tasking! I thought.
So there I was about to interrupt her as she continued to click away at the computer keys in rhythm to the i Tunes music she favored.
"Marisa," I started to ask, "what year did we make grandma and grandpa's 60th anniversary party?"
"2003!" she answered without a moments hesitation and without even pausing as she continued to click, click, click away at the computer keys.
"Oh ... thanks!" I answered, somewhat surprised and delighted by the lack of thought that even went into her answer. I thought of what age she was in 2003. She had to be 13 at the time. Then I decided to double check, as I headed for my photo albums numbering some 24 on a shelf in my hall closet. I found the one with pictures from 2003. Sure enough there were the photos of the 60th wedding anniversary party!
"Hey Marisa! You're amazing! You were absolutely correct about the year of that party. How did you know that?" There was no answer. Marisa was deep in thought and conversation at the computer with one of her friends.
"So now how many years are grandma and grandpa married if they celebrated 60 years in 2003?" I asked her.
"67!" she called out to me.
"You got it right! You're amazing! I couldn't have remembered the year of the party. It would have taken me all night to find the correct album with the anniversary party pictures if you hadn't told me the year," I said.
I ran upstairs to share what had happened with Dan.
"Isn't it amazing how she could know that so fast!"
As we sat there thinking about all the things we couldn't remember without Marisa to help us, we thought about Marisa's special abilities; not just for dates but for recalling names, events and even directions for playing games and multi-tasking at the computer. I realized then that these are skills that could be valuable. Could the ability to recall information and remember events be useful in the job market? What about her ability to search the Internet for information. Perhaps these are all marketable skills! So the search should be on for all the jobs out there that can utilize such skills.
The point is that our special needs kids have many abilities that we tend to underestimate, because we allow their disability to overshadow everything else. All of us neuro-typicals have different strengths and weaknesses, but we tend to do the things we are good at and go into professions that favor our strengths. That's what we need to focus on with our special needs children. List the strengths they have, and explore the jobs that could utilize those strengths. Then help them find their place among the rest of us. It may be easier said than done, but if we don't try, then the battle is already lost before it even has begun.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Revisiting A Lesson from the Past
Sixteen years ago, when Marisa was four years old, there was a news story about a boy with autism who was missing in a Florida swamp area for three days. Parents and officials feared the worst, but when the boy was found, he appeared to be in good health except for some minor bruises, fatigue and expected hunger. All this could have been avoided if the boy had been taught to respond to his name, either by calling out, or if not by speaking, by some other means, perhaps tapping on something in the area. Unfortunately, he did not know that responding to the repeated calls to him, would have enabled those looking for him to pinpoint his location. He simply expected his parents to know where he was without having to make a single sound.
That is when I realized how important it was for Marisa to learn to respond to her name. We started to practice this skill repeatedly, and by responding appropriately, Marisa would earn points on her goal chart.
"Marisa where are you?" I would call, and she was expected to respond with,
"Here I am, in the ...." whatever the place might be. We practiced this outside the house too, and Marisa enjoyed this little game. Not only was this good practice for her, but it was an easy way to earn the points toward whatever special reward she was working toward, whether it was a new CD, a movie or a new outfit she had selected.
This past week-end Marisa and I stopped off at Borders book store after her soccer practice. Marisa wanted to purchase a CD she was saving for. I desperately needed the bathroom.
"I'm going to the bathroom. I'll find you after," I said.
"Okay!" she replied.
Then we went our separate ways, having never planned on a special place in the store to meet. As I left the bathroom, I thought how far we had come. We always had stayed together in a public place, never separating from view of each other. I walked to the music section of the store, but Marisa wasn't there. Then I walked toward the children's section, but Marisa wasn't there either. I started to walk quickly glancing down every aisle, but no Marisa. It was quiet in the store. I didn't want to call out to her and disturb other shoppers as I continued to look. I knew Marisa didn't have her cell phone on her because she had just come from soccer practice. My only consolation was that I knew Marisa would never leave the store without me. Then I heard a familiar and sweet, but startled voice call out from a distance,
"Mom, where are you?"
I thought of the goal from so many years ago, as I smiled and sighed with relief. I thought ... she remembers. How wonderful that felt!
"Here I am Marisa!" Here I am!"
Again she called, "Where are you mom?"
"I'm here! I'm here!" I kept repeating so she could follow the sound of my voice until we were finally together again. Then she appeared around the corner of a bookshelf looking somewhat scared.
"Oh, Marisa, you don't have to be scared. You know I would never leave the store without you. But think how smart you are! You played our where are you game in reverse," I said.
"Yeah!" she called out sounding much relieved.
"You couldn't find me, and I couldn't find you, but you used what you learned from the past and your quick thinking to get us back together the fastest way you could.
"Yeah!" she answered as we walked to the cashier together.
Being lost in the store could have turned into a long drawn out scary situation, but instead it became an incident quickly resolved, and the best part of it was that Marisa was the one to have chosen the solution.
That is when I realized how important it was for Marisa to learn to respond to her name. We started to practice this skill repeatedly, and by responding appropriately, Marisa would earn points on her goal chart.
"Marisa where are you?" I would call, and she was expected to respond with,
"Here I am, in the ...." whatever the place might be. We practiced this outside the house too, and Marisa enjoyed this little game. Not only was this good practice for her, but it was an easy way to earn the points toward whatever special reward she was working toward, whether it was a new CD, a movie or a new outfit she had selected.
This past week-end Marisa and I stopped off at Borders book store after her soccer practice. Marisa wanted to purchase a CD she was saving for. I desperately needed the bathroom.
"I'm going to the bathroom. I'll find you after," I said.
"Okay!" she replied.
Then we went our separate ways, having never planned on a special place in the store to meet. As I left the bathroom, I thought how far we had come. We always had stayed together in a public place, never separating from view of each other. I walked to the music section of the store, but Marisa wasn't there. Then I walked toward the children's section, but Marisa wasn't there either. I started to walk quickly glancing down every aisle, but no Marisa. It was quiet in the store. I didn't want to call out to her and disturb other shoppers as I continued to look. I knew Marisa didn't have her cell phone on her because she had just come from soccer practice. My only consolation was that I knew Marisa would never leave the store without me. Then I heard a familiar and sweet, but startled voice call out from a distance,
"Mom, where are you?"
I thought of the goal from so many years ago, as I smiled and sighed with relief. I thought ... she remembers. How wonderful that felt!
"Here I am Marisa!" Here I am!"
Again she called, "Where are you mom?"
"I'm here! I'm here!" I kept repeating so she could follow the sound of my voice until we were finally together again. Then she appeared around the corner of a bookshelf looking somewhat scared.
"Oh, Marisa, you don't have to be scared. You know I would never leave the store without you. But think how smart you are! You played our where are you game in reverse," I said.
"Yeah!" she called out sounding much relieved.
"You couldn't find me, and I couldn't find you, but you used what you learned from the past and your quick thinking to get us back together the fastest way you could.
"Yeah!" she answered as we walked to the cashier together.
Being lost in the store could have turned into a long drawn out scary situation, but instead it became an incident quickly resolved, and the best part of it was that Marisa was the one to have chosen the solution.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Learning to Advocate for Oneself
"I don't want to bowl anymore. It's boring" Marisa said.
"But why not? What happened?" I asked, confused by the sudden change in my daughter's interest. She had been bowling in the same group for six years and was always happy till now.
"I have no one to talk to," Marisa replied. "I want to be with my friends."
"Then tell the counselor you want to be on a lane with people who will talk to you. If you don't let your counselor know how you feel, she can only guess," I said.
Children with autism tend to think that others are able to read their minds, and know exactly what they are thinking and feeling. This, of course, is not possible. One has to be able to express their thoughts in words in order to make their feelings known.
When we arrived at bowling, later that afternoon, I told Marisa to go inside and ask her counselor to switch her to another group so that she could be with friends who would talk to her.
"Okay!" she answered, sounding a bit more optimistic.
After I parked the car and entered the bowling alley, I noticed Marisa was bowling with a different group of people. She appeared much happier as she danced to the background music and said something to one of the other bowlers.
Later, when we left the bowling alley, I asked Marisa,
"How did it go today?"
"Oh, it was fine!" she announced.
"That's because you let the counselors know how you felt. Aren't you glad you did?"
"Yeah!"
"Remember, other people won't know how you feel unless you tell them. When you're able to express yourself, things will always turn out better, and you'll be a happier person too."
It's called communicating. Even neuro-typicals need to learn how to do it.
"But why not? What happened?" I asked, confused by the sudden change in my daughter's interest. She had been bowling in the same group for six years and was always happy till now.
"I have no one to talk to," Marisa replied. "I want to be with my friends."
"Then tell the counselor you want to be on a lane with people who will talk to you. If you don't let your counselor know how you feel, she can only guess," I said.
Children with autism tend to think that others are able to read their minds, and know exactly what they are thinking and feeling. This, of course, is not possible. One has to be able to express their thoughts in words in order to make their feelings known.
When we arrived at bowling, later that afternoon, I told Marisa to go inside and ask her counselor to switch her to another group so that she could be with friends who would talk to her.
"Okay!" she answered, sounding a bit more optimistic.
After I parked the car and entered the bowling alley, I noticed Marisa was bowling with a different group of people. She appeared much happier as she danced to the background music and said something to one of the other bowlers.
Later, when we left the bowling alley, I asked Marisa,
"How did it go today?"
"Oh, it was fine!" she announced.
"That's because you let the counselors know how you felt. Aren't you glad you did?"
"Yeah!"
"Remember, other people won't know how you feel unless you tell them. When you're able to express yourself, things will always turn out better, and you'll be a happier person too."
It's called communicating. Even neuro-typicals need to learn how to do it.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
How Do Our Children Learn From the Consequences of the Things They Do?
Joining social networking groups ... planning parties ...
These things always seem like such fun ideas to Marisa. She has signed up for many social networking groups, with the thought in mind that she would be making new friends. Somehow, she doesn't seem to realize that this could be just as dangerous as approaching a stranger on the street.
"Why did you do this after all the discussions we've had?" I would ask.
She would tell me that one of her friends suggested a certain group to join, or that she found it available on Facebook.
"That doesn't matter, and doesn't make it okay for you," I would say. "Let's take a look at some of the people who have looked at your profile and are interested in meeting you."
We then would browse the long list of young and some times older men who seemed to want to meet Marisa. "Are you really interested in meeting this person ... or this one ... or that one?" I would say, as we'd peruse the long list of interested possible new friends.
"NO, NO!" she'd yell back as she glanced at the numerous individuals ranging in age from 15 to 40 and beyond.
Well, the Internet is a dangerous place for our kids, requiring us to be forever watchful, always needing to explain the reasons why certain things are just not a good idea.
"I don't talk to strangers!" Marisa would say, but she may very well think that typing on the computer doesn't qualify as talking to strangers. So, again we have to cover all the bases and explain that this is just as dangerous, if not worse, because inviting strangers to look over your profile could lead to major problems.
The consequences were clear enough once Marisa viewed the interested list of young and older men.
Okay, so it doesn't end there. Last week, I received a Facebook message from one of Marisa's friends. She was letting me know that she would attend Marisa's Halloween Party on October 31st at 5 PM.
What? What party? I was thinking. I quickly logged in to Marisa's Facebook page and there to my disbelief, though actually I wasn't so surprised, was an event posted for a Halloween Party from 5-9 PM on October 31st at my home. How nice of Marisa to also post on the event that no egg throwing would be allowed. As I glanced over the invitation list, I saw that there were some 40 friends invited. WOW! This was wishful planning on Marisa's part. Every year we have a birthday party at our home, but I limit it to 25. Major planning goes in to the party. We shop for paper tableware, plan activities, rearrange a room for seating and order food.
"Marisa, how were you planning to have this party without telling me?" I asked.
"Oh ... I don't know."
"And what were you going to serve at the party?"
"Pizza for 40!" she replied as if it was going to be the event of the year!
"Okay, so how were you planning to pay for all the pizza?"
"Hmm!"
Well it really did get her thinking!
"Yes, I know you always want to have a Halloween Party, but one big birthday party in the house each year is more than enough responsibility." I explained. "I know you're disappointed, and I guess you figured that since I wouldn't agree to the party, you just would skip the asking part, and go straight to the inviting. What do you think would happen if all your friends showed up and there was no plan in place? No party tables or tableware for eating, no pizza, and no planned activity. Then what?"
Marisa thought and then said, "I'm sorry!"
I looked at her sympathetically and remarked, "I guess you were trying to make this dream come true, but in reality, the dream would have turned into a nightmare!"
Marisa glanced off seeming deep in thought as she replied "yeah" and then laughed at the consequence of the nightmare that didn't happen.
These things always seem like such fun ideas to Marisa. She has signed up for many social networking groups, with the thought in mind that she would be making new friends. Somehow, she doesn't seem to realize that this could be just as dangerous as approaching a stranger on the street.
"Why did you do this after all the discussions we've had?" I would ask.
She would tell me that one of her friends suggested a certain group to join, or that she found it available on Facebook.
"That doesn't matter, and doesn't make it okay for you," I would say. "Let's take a look at some of the people who have looked at your profile and are interested in meeting you."
We then would browse the long list of young and some times older men who seemed to want to meet Marisa. "Are you really interested in meeting this person ... or this one ... or that one?" I would say, as we'd peruse the long list of interested possible new friends.
"NO, NO!" she'd yell back as she glanced at the numerous individuals ranging in age from 15 to 40 and beyond.
Well, the Internet is a dangerous place for our kids, requiring us to be forever watchful, always needing to explain the reasons why certain things are just not a good idea.
"I don't talk to strangers!" Marisa would say, but she may very well think that typing on the computer doesn't qualify as talking to strangers. So, again we have to cover all the bases and explain that this is just as dangerous, if not worse, because inviting strangers to look over your profile could lead to major problems.
The consequences were clear enough once Marisa viewed the interested list of young and older men.
Okay, so it doesn't end there. Last week, I received a Facebook message from one of Marisa's friends. She was letting me know that she would attend Marisa's Halloween Party on October 31st at 5 PM.
What? What party? I was thinking. I quickly logged in to Marisa's Facebook page and there to my disbelief, though actually I wasn't so surprised, was an event posted for a Halloween Party from 5-9 PM on October 31st at my home. How nice of Marisa to also post on the event that no egg throwing would be allowed. As I glanced over the invitation list, I saw that there were some 40 friends invited. WOW! This was wishful planning on Marisa's part. Every year we have a birthday party at our home, but I limit it to 25. Major planning goes in to the party. We shop for paper tableware, plan activities, rearrange a room for seating and order food.
"Marisa, how were you planning to have this party without telling me?" I asked.
"Oh ... I don't know."
"And what were you going to serve at the party?"
"Pizza for 40!" she replied as if it was going to be the event of the year!
"Okay, so how were you planning to pay for all the pizza?"
"Hmm!"
Well it really did get her thinking!
"Yes, I know you always want to have a Halloween Party, but one big birthday party in the house each year is more than enough responsibility." I explained. "I know you're disappointed, and I guess you figured that since I wouldn't agree to the party, you just would skip the asking part, and go straight to the inviting. What do you think would happen if all your friends showed up and there was no plan in place? No party tables or tableware for eating, no pizza, and no planned activity. Then what?"
Marisa thought and then said, "I'm sorry!"
I looked at her sympathetically and remarked, "I guess you were trying to make this dream come true, but in reality, the dream would have turned into a nightmare!"
Marisa glanced off seeming deep in thought as she replied "yeah" and then laughed at the consequence of the nightmare that didn't happen.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The First Step in Food Safety
Have you ever purchased canned food, only to come home and find that the vacuum seal has been compromised because the inverted button on the top of the can is not inverted? That has happened to me more than once. Now I carefully check the cans and jars I select at the store before I purchase them. When cans and jars are safely sealed, there will be no popping sound when you press down on the top of the can or jar cap.
While teaching our children to prepare food, we also need to teach them to check for airtight seals on the jars and cans they purchase, because some day they may be purchasing these items on their own. On trips to the supermarket, I give Marisa items we select to check for the airtight seal. I remind her that if it makes a popping noise, then it is not okay to purchase, because the airtight seal has been broken and the food may no longer be fresh. Then it's important to turn the item in to customer service so other people will not purchase the item and risk getting sick.
At home I might open a can or jar and then ask Marisa to test it to see if it is still airtight or has been opened, or I might show her an opened jar as opposed to one that hasn't been opened yet. Then I will ask her to distinguish between the one that is opened and the one that is still sealed. I want to be sure she remembers to always check items before using them.
Recently Marisa announced that she found the perfect recipe for nights that she would have to eat quickly in order to make it to her Drama Club. I was very pleasantly surprised when she selected a very healthy recipe from The Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start cookbook she recently purchased for herself.
"Portobello Pizzas! Oh how nice!" I remarked.
We purchased all the ingredients together, and then I watched as she assembled and prepared her quick fix dinner. She preheated the oven, took out all the ingredients, lined and greased a baking pan, and washed and dried her 2 portobello mushrooms. Then she took the new jar of pizza sauce we had purchased and pressed down on the cap to test it's airtight seal. As she opened the jar there was a pop and a rush of air.
"Check the seal now," I said. She pressed the cap and listened to the pop, knowing that because she had opened the jar, there would be a distinct popping sound.
"Now that the jar is opened, you will have to refrigerate it," I said.
We checked the sauce website to find out how long we could safely refrigerate an opened jar of sauce, and learned that it was safe to use for seven days. I suggested that we write the date on the jar so we will remember when the sauce was opened. "Okay," Marisa answered as we marked the cap of the jar. "I'll use it again on Friday before my evening program!"
I was relieved to realize that I was taking steps to make sure Marisa would know these very basic but important food safety precautions. I thought back and cringed at the time she opened a jar of sauce and then stored it in the kitchen cabinet for another day. It wasn't until a week later that I found the jar she had used at least two times. I learned something very important from that experience. We can't assume these little things will be learned by osmosis. Every little thing must be taught. Just one more moment to learn from in the journey toward a safe, less dependent and happy future.
While teaching our children to prepare food, we also need to teach them to check for airtight seals on the jars and cans they purchase, because some day they may be purchasing these items on their own. On trips to the supermarket, I give Marisa items we select to check for the airtight seal. I remind her that if it makes a popping noise, then it is not okay to purchase, because the airtight seal has been broken and the food may no longer be fresh. Then it's important to turn the item in to customer service so other people will not purchase the item and risk getting sick.
At home I might open a can or jar and then ask Marisa to test it to see if it is still airtight or has been opened, or I might show her an opened jar as opposed to one that hasn't been opened yet. Then I will ask her to distinguish between the one that is opened and the one that is still sealed. I want to be sure she remembers to always check items before using them.
Recently Marisa announced that she found the perfect recipe for nights that she would have to eat quickly in order to make it to her Drama Club. I was very pleasantly surprised when she selected a very healthy recipe from The Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start cookbook she recently purchased for herself.
"Portobello Pizzas! Oh how nice!" I remarked.
We purchased all the ingredients together, and then I watched as she assembled and prepared her quick fix dinner. She preheated the oven, took out all the ingredients, lined and greased a baking pan, and washed and dried her 2 portobello mushrooms. Then she took the new jar of pizza sauce we had purchased and pressed down on the cap to test it's airtight seal. As she opened the jar there was a pop and a rush of air.
"Check the seal now," I said. She pressed the cap and listened to the pop, knowing that because she had opened the jar, there would be a distinct popping sound.
"Now that the jar is opened, you will have to refrigerate it," I said.
We checked the sauce website to find out how long we could safely refrigerate an opened jar of sauce, and learned that it was safe to use for seven days. I suggested that we write the date on the jar so we will remember when the sauce was opened. "Okay," Marisa answered as we marked the cap of the jar. "I'll use it again on Friday before my evening program!"
I was relieved to realize that I was taking steps to make sure Marisa would know these very basic but important food safety precautions. I thought back and cringed at the time she opened a jar of sauce and then stored it in the kitchen cabinet for another day. It wasn't until a week later that I found the jar she had used at least two times. I learned something very important from that experience. We can't assume these little things will be learned by osmosis. Every little thing must be taught. Just one more moment to learn from in the journey toward a safe, less dependent and happy future.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Telephone Safety
"Hello!"
"Who is this?" Marisa asked.
And again I heard Marisa ask,
"Who is this?"
Then a third time she asked,
"Who is this?" before she then said to the person on the other end of the line,
"It's Marisa ... Marisa Rubin."
That was how it went as Marisa answered the phone, but it was far from the typical way most of her experiences answering the phone go. I quickly tuned in when she repeated Who is this? three times and obviously was not getting an answer. Then she gave her name to a stranger on the phone.
I grabbed the phone to ask, "Who is this?" When I got that same question repeated back to me, I then asked again, "No, who are YOU?" Okay, I finally got an answer, and then asked,
"Who do you want to speak to?"
When the person on the other end of the line finally answered me, I realized it was a wrong number and then told him. When I got off the phone, I knew that Marisa had a small moment to learn from as a result of this incident.
"Marisa, when someone calls and doesn't tell you who they are, you don't give them your name. You need to find out who you are talking to. You might as well be giving your name out to a stranger on the street. Except in this case, the stranger already has your phone number," I explained.
So how does one go about teaching our very naive children on the autism spectrum how to answer the phone safely? This was not an easy task.
I started out by telling Marisa that when someone doesn't give you an answer to the question
Who is this?
you don't turn around and allow them to ask you the same question! You should never give out your name to a stranger on the phone or anywhere else for that matter.
I wasn't sure if she really understood this idea so I decided to try a few practice conversations.
"Okay, pretend I'm the stranger calling, and you answer the phone and say hello. You say, Who is this? and I say in response, Who is THIS? Marisa answered by telling me her name just as she had done on the phone with the stranger. "NO, NO!" I said, feeling totally frustrated but not willing to give up. It took about 5 or 6 tries to get Marisa to finally answer the question by repeating the question, Who is this? Finally we were making headway. I think she was getting it at last.
Then one afternoon, the phone rang as usual, and Marisa answered the phone.
"Hello, who is this?" she asked, as she always does when she answers the phone.
I looked up and waited to find out who was calling.
"Who is this?" she asked a second time.
"Who is this?" she repeated yet again. Marisa was listening, and then I knew that the lesson I had given was going to be put to the test at last. Then she said,
"Who do you want to speak to?" She listened and then said,"Oh, you have the wrong number!" This she announced with pride in her voice as she hung up the phone.
"Marisa, who called?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number!" she said.
"Well, I'm proud of you for remembering to get the person's name and who they wanted to speak to. You did a great job today!"
"Who is this?" Marisa asked.
And again I heard Marisa ask,
"Who is this?"
Then a third time she asked,
"Who is this?" before she then said to the person on the other end of the line,
"It's Marisa ... Marisa Rubin."
That was how it went as Marisa answered the phone, but it was far from the typical way most of her experiences answering the phone go. I quickly tuned in when she repeated Who is this? three times and obviously was not getting an answer. Then she gave her name to a stranger on the phone.
I grabbed the phone to ask, "Who is this?" When I got that same question repeated back to me, I then asked again, "No, who are YOU?" Okay, I finally got an answer, and then asked,
"Who do you want to speak to?"
When the person on the other end of the line finally answered me, I realized it was a wrong number and then told him. When I got off the phone, I knew that Marisa had a small moment to learn from as a result of this incident.
"Marisa, when someone calls and doesn't tell you who they are, you don't give them your name. You need to find out who you are talking to. You might as well be giving your name out to a stranger on the street. Except in this case, the stranger already has your phone number," I explained.
So how does one go about teaching our very naive children on the autism spectrum how to answer the phone safely? This was not an easy task.
I started out by telling Marisa that when someone doesn't give you an answer to the question
Who is this?
you don't turn around and allow them to ask you the same question! You should never give out your name to a stranger on the phone or anywhere else for that matter.
I wasn't sure if she really understood this idea so I decided to try a few practice conversations.
"Okay, pretend I'm the stranger calling, and you answer the phone and say hello. You say, Who is this? and I say in response, Who is THIS? Marisa answered by telling me her name just as she had done on the phone with the stranger. "NO, NO!" I said, feeling totally frustrated but not willing to give up. It took about 5 or 6 tries to get Marisa to finally answer the question by repeating the question, Who is this? Finally we were making headway. I think she was getting it at last.
Then one afternoon, the phone rang as usual, and Marisa answered the phone.
"Hello, who is this?" she asked, as she always does when she answers the phone.
I looked up and waited to find out who was calling.
"Who is this?" she asked a second time.
"Who is this?" she repeated yet again. Marisa was listening, and then I knew that the lesson I had given was going to be put to the test at last. Then she said,
"Who do you want to speak to?" She listened and then said,"Oh, you have the wrong number!" This she announced with pride in her voice as she hung up the phone.
"Marisa, who called?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number!" she said.
"Well, I'm proud of you for remembering to get the person's name and who they wanted to speak to. You did a great job today!"
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Our Responsibility for Providing Healthy Choices
"Mom, here's a great recipe for our next chicken dinner!"
This is typically what I hear very frequently from Marisa these days. My 20 year old daughter with autism is on a crusade to improve not just her own good eating habits but the eating habits of everyone living in our home. My tried, true and favorite recipes are being put on the back burner and challenged by Marisa's continued, tireless search for healthful new ones. Just last night she placed 3 new recipes on my kitchen counter for me to review. These were Chive & Cheese Omelet, Pita Pizza, and Citrus Chicken.
"Wow!" I commented as I looked over the recipes that Marisa selected. Then I looked at the small print on the top of the computer printouts. It read, Eat Like a (Hot, Healthy) Celeb! - Seventeen
I have to congratulate Seventeen Magazine for continuing to encourage young women to develop healthy eating habits and regular exercise routines. Each month Marisa eagerly anticipates her next issue in order to browse the latest recipes and fitness routines offered, and each month she changes her routine accordingly.
What I find amazing is that where most people find comfort in a familiar routine of eating and exercising the same way, Marisa seems to be just the opposite. Her enthusiasm is refreshing to say the least. I'm jealous of her never ending search for new recipes and exercises. I'm having a hard time just doing the same old cooking and exercise routines, let alone trying new ones every day. Her search for variety just doesn't seem to fit, given who she is, because people with autism are likely to be more comfortable in sticking to sameness. I'm a bit puzzled by this, but I can't say I'm unhappy about it, except that when it comes to preparing new foods, it does create more difficulties for me. For example, I have to check for new ingredients to buy. Then I have to spend more time reviewing the recipes and following the steps involved. The good thing about this, however, is that Marisa is eager to participate and learn how to prepare the foods, because the recipes are the ones that she selected herself. So ... how can I possibly say no to that! I should be absolutely thrilled and, yes, I really am.
So when did Marisa's crusade for healthy living begin? It was back in 2008 when Marisa had a course at school on good nutrition. She learned that she was 30 pounds overweight according to the guidelines given for her age and height. She also learned everything there was to know about good nutrition. Many people with autism take things very literally and in this particular case this attribute turned out to be most helpful. Thus the start of a health kick crusade!
"I'm going to lose 30 pounds starting today!" she announced to me.
"Why now?" I asked.
I didn't get that answer till the end of the year when Marisa's classwork came home, and I was able to view the healthy eating and exercise unit she had participated in. This was a wonderful thing for Marisa, and I have to give a lot of credit to her school for getting her started in the right direction.
Then, just the other day, Marisa came home and handed me a recipe she made in her after-school program at the JCC she attends.
"Let's make this recipe!" she eagerly announced. I glanced at the recipe for an all sugar concoction and looked at Marisa.
"Did you eat this?" I asked.
"Yeah!" she answered.
"This is not a healthy snack. Why would you want to eat something like this? I thought you knew what's healthy and what's not?"
"But it was at the JCC so it must be okay!" she responded.
"Well, what do you really think?" I asked.
"I think I better go brush my teeth ... now!" Marisa said.
I know that we can't keep our kids in a vacuum when it comes to candy and sugary snacks, but I was disappointed to realize that the choice for a snack preparation activity was one filled with sugar. In a time when our kids have a rising increase in obesity and juvenile diabetes, schools and recreation groups should be encouraging healthy snack alternatives. These groups are supposed to be responsible in setting good examples for all of our kids. That is why I am especially happy to learn that a new children's book series called The Secret Life of Mitch Spinach is now available for children to read, enjoy and learn from. The story is meant to encourage children to pursue a healthy diet and in so doing, they will be stronger, happier and better able to achieve their goals. Isn't that what our children and we as parents both want? Check out this fabulous website to learn more!http://www.MitchSpinach.com
So when did Marisa's crusade for healthy living begin? It was back in 2008 when Marisa had a course at school on good nutrition. She learned that she was 30 pounds overweight according to the guidelines given for her age and height. She also learned everything there was to know about good nutrition. Many people with autism take things very literally and in this particular case this attribute turned out to be most helpful. Thus the start of a health kick crusade!
"I'm going to lose 30 pounds starting today!" she announced to me.
"Why now?" I asked.
I didn't get that answer till the end of the year when Marisa's classwork came home, and I was able to view the healthy eating and exercise unit she had participated in. This was a wonderful thing for Marisa, and I have to give a lot of credit to her school for getting her started in the right direction.
Then, just the other day, Marisa came home and handed me a recipe she made in her after-school program at the JCC she attends.
"Let's make this recipe!" she eagerly announced. I glanced at the recipe for an all sugar concoction and looked at Marisa.
"Did you eat this?" I asked.
"Yeah!" she answered.
"This is not a healthy snack. Why would you want to eat something like this? I thought you knew what's healthy and what's not?"
"But it was at the JCC so it must be okay!" she responded.
"Well, what do you really think?" I asked.
"I think I better go brush my teeth ... now!" Marisa said.
I know that we can't keep our kids in a vacuum when it comes to candy and sugary snacks, but I was disappointed to realize that the choice for a snack preparation activity was one filled with sugar. In a time when our kids have a rising increase in obesity and juvenile diabetes, schools and recreation groups should be encouraging healthy snack alternatives. These groups are supposed to be responsible in setting good examples for all of our kids. That is why I am especially happy to learn that a new children's book series called The Secret Life of Mitch Spinach is now available for children to read, enjoy and learn from. The story is meant to encourage children to pursue a healthy diet and in so doing, they will be stronger, happier and better able to achieve their goals. Isn't that what our children and we as parents both want? Check out this fabulous website to learn more!http://www.MitchSpinach.com
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Is "No!" a Proper Response in a Letter?
No!
That's what I got in a letter from Marisa at camp yesterday. I realized that she was answering some question I asked her in the letter she received from me last week. But that was last week, and now I don't have a clue what I had asked her. Is there a small moment to learn from here? I see one!
Marisa needs to realize that when answering a question in a letter, it's important to repeat the question in the answer. For example:
Do you need anything besides blue nail polish?
No, I don't need anything besides blue nail polish when you visit me.
Don't you want to have ice-cream at camp from the ice-cream bar?
No, I don't want to have ice-cream for dessert at camp, but prefer to go out for ice-cream somewhere else.
I'm brainstorming here, trying to figure out what question she answered with No!
Well, I'm about to find out, because this weekend we will be visiting Marisa at camp, and I will bring the letter in question with me to pair up with the letter I wrote that initiated the baffling No response. I know I'll be able to do this, because Marisa tapes all the letters, she receives, to the wall in her room at camp. So once I find the letter in question, I'll be able to give Marisa a very brief lesson on the proper way to respond to a question.
Then, we'll see the results of this lesson in letters to follow. I'll give her lots of opportunities to practice this new skill, by sending her a few questions in the next few letters I send her.
So is there a small moment to learn from here? Absolutely, and I can't wait to see the results!
That's what I got in a letter from Marisa at camp yesterday. I realized that she was answering some question I asked her in the letter she received from me last week. But that was last week, and now I don't have a clue what I had asked her. Is there a small moment to learn from here? I see one!
Marisa needs to realize that when answering a question in a letter, it's important to repeat the question in the answer. For example:
Do you need anything besides blue nail polish?
No, I don't need anything besides blue nail polish when you visit me.
Don't you want to have ice-cream at camp from the ice-cream bar?
No, I don't want to have ice-cream for dessert at camp, but prefer to go out for ice-cream somewhere else.
I'm brainstorming here, trying to figure out what question she answered with No!
Well, I'm about to find out, because this weekend we will be visiting Marisa at camp, and I will bring the letter in question with me to pair up with the letter I wrote that initiated the baffling No response. I know I'll be able to do this, because Marisa tapes all the letters, she receives, to the wall in her room at camp. So once I find the letter in question, I'll be able to give Marisa a very brief lesson on the proper way to respond to a question.
Then, we'll see the results of this lesson in letters to follow. I'll give her lots of opportunities to practice this new skill, by sending her a few questions in the next few letters I send her.
So is there a small moment to learn from here? Absolutely, and I can't wait to see the results!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
In Search of Healthy Recipes #4
The following recipe Marisa also chose from The Weight Watcher's Cookbook. This recipe she chose as a side dish for the Southwestern Salmon Recipe #1 in this series. I never used to make mashed potatoes, but with much encouragement from Marisa this past year, I perfected my own recipe, which I feel is easier and quicker than the one I am going to post here. So for every one's benefit, I will add notes on how to simplify the recipe. Of course, when Marisa comes home from camp, I will have to use this recipe to satisfy her curiosity. Okay, so here it is:
Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes (four servings)
1 medium head garlic, papery skin removed and top sliced off to expose cloves
1 1/4 pounds all-purpose potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp. salt
3 Tbsp. fat-free buttermilk (here I would prefer to use butter since I can't imagine buying a whole quart of buttermilk just to use 3 Tbsp. However, if you're on a weight watcher's diet, you probably have the buttermilk in the refrigerator anyway.)
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wrap the garlic head in aluminum foil; bake until cloves are soft, 45-60 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes; squeeze the pulp from the cloves into a small bowl. (This step will heat the kitchen, and I feel is not very practical in the summer unless done in a microwave. I would prefer to take the cloves, separate each from the garlic head, cut off the ends and use a garlic press to mince the garlic into a bowl. See the attached garlic press, which is amazing!)
2. In a large pot, combine the potatoes, bay leaf, 1/4 tsp. of the salt and enough cold water to cover; bring to a boil. Reduce the heat, and simmer and cook until the potatoes are tender, 10-15 minutes. Drain, reserving the cooking liquid; discard the bay leaf. (The potatoes can also be cooked in a microwave, and the cooking time can be reduced by cutting the potatoes in quarters.)
3. With a potato masher (see attached masher in the sidebar, which works with the greatest ease) or an electric mixer at low speed, mash the potatoes with the garlic, buttermilk, and the remaining 1/4 tsp. salt; thin with the cooking liquid, if needed.
Serve with the Southwestern Salmon or any other dish obviously. Happy eating!
Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes (four servings)
1 medium head garlic, papery skin removed and top sliced off to expose cloves
1 1/4 pounds all-purpose potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp. salt
3 Tbsp. fat-free buttermilk (here I would prefer to use butter since I can't imagine buying a whole quart of buttermilk just to use 3 Tbsp. However, if you're on a weight watcher's diet, you probably have the buttermilk in the refrigerator anyway.)
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wrap the garlic head in aluminum foil; bake until cloves are soft, 45-60 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes; squeeze the pulp from the cloves into a small bowl. (This step will heat the kitchen, and I feel is not very practical in the summer unless done in a microwave. I would prefer to take the cloves, separate each from the garlic head, cut off the ends and use a garlic press to mince the garlic into a bowl. See the attached garlic press, which is amazing!)
2. In a large pot, combine the potatoes, bay leaf, 1/4 tsp. of the salt and enough cold water to cover; bring to a boil. Reduce the heat, and simmer and cook until the potatoes are tender, 10-15 minutes. Drain, reserving the cooking liquid; discard the bay leaf. (The potatoes can also be cooked in a microwave, and the cooking time can be reduced by cutting the potatoes in quarters.)
3. With a potato masher (see attached masher in the sidebar, which works with the greatest ease) or an electric mixer at low speed, mash the potatoes with the garlic, buttermilk, and the remaining 1/4 tsp. salt; thin with the cooking liquid, if needed.
Serve with the Southwestern Salmon or any other dish obviously. Happy eating!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
In Search of Healthy Recipes #3
Today's recipe, once again, Marisa selected from The Weight Watcher's Cookbook.
Tofu Stir-Fry (This recipe serves 4).
2 1/2 tsp. canola oil
1 carrot, diagonally sliced
2 Tbsp. minced peeled fresh ginger
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 pound broccoli (peel the stem), cut into bite-size pieces
1/4 cup reduced-sodium vegetable broth
1 pound firm tofu, diced
1/2 cup thinly sliced shiitake mushroom caps
1 red bell pepper, seeded and cut into matchstick-size pieces
1 onion cut into thin wedges
1 cup snow peas, trimmed
1 Tbsp. + 1 1/2 tsp. soy sauce
pinch crushed red pepper
6 scallions
Directions:
1. Heat a large nonstick skillet or wok with lid over high heat; heat the oil. Stir-fry the carrot 1 minute; add the ginger and garlic; stir-fry 30 seconds. Add the broccoli and broth; steam, covered, 2 minutes, then stir.
2. Add the tofu and cook, stirring, 1 minute. Add the mushrooms, bell pepper, and onion; stir-fry 3 minutes. Add the snow peas, soy sauce, and red pepper; stir-fry 1 minute. Serve, sprinkled with the scallions. Enjoy!
Tomorrow will be the last recipe selected in this series. It is a recipe Marisa chose to accompany the Southwestern Salmon recipe which was #1 in this series.
Anyone interested in ordering The Weight Watcher's Cookbook used for these recipes, please see the sidebar.
Tofu Stir-Fry (This recipe serves 4).
2 1/2 tsp. canola oil
1 carrot, diagonally sliced
2 Tbsp. minced peeled fresh ginger
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 pound broccoli (peel the stem), cut into bite-size pieces
1/4 cup reduced-sodium vegetable broth
1 pound firm tofu, diced
1/2 cup thinly sliced shiitake mushroom caps
1 red bell pepper, seeded and cut into matchstick-size pieces
1 onion cut into thin wedges
1 cup snow peas, trimmed
1 Tbsp. + 1 1/2 tsp. soy sauce
pinch crushed red pepper
6 scallions
Directions:
1. Heat a large nonstick skillet or wok with lid over high heat; heat the oil. Stir-fry the carrot 1 minute; add the ginger and garlic; stir-fry 30 seconds. Add the broccoli and broth; steam, covered, 2 minutes, then stir.
2. Add the tofu and cook, stirring, 1 minute. Add the mushrooms, bell pepper, and onion; stir-fry 3 minutes. Add the snow peas, soy sauce, and red pepper; stir-fry 1 minute. Serve, sprinkled with the scallions. Enjoy!
Tomorrow will be the last recipe selected in this series. It is a recipe Marisa chose to accompany the Southwestern Salmon recipe which was #1 in this series.
Anyone interested in ordering The Weight Watcher's Cookbook used for these recipes, please see the sidebar.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
In Search of Healthy Recipes #2
I will continue to post the healthy recipes Marisa selected from The Weight Watcher's Cookbook which she checked out of the library at camp. Today's recipe is:
Tuna-Noodle Casserole (This recipe is for 4 servings)
1 1/2 cups medium egg noodles
2 onions, finely chopped
2 celery stalks, finely chopped
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup thawed frozen corn kernels
1 (10 1/2 ounce) can reduced-calorie condensed mushroom soup
2 (6-ounce) cans chunk light water-packed tuna, drained and flaked
1/2 cup fat-free milk
2 Tbsp. finely chopped fresh parsley
1/2 tsp. freshly ground pepper
3-4 drops hot red pepper sauce
2 slices reduced-calorie whole-wheat bread, made into crumbs
4 tsp. grated parmesan cheese
2 tomatoes, sliced
Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F; spray a shallow 2-quart casserole with nonstick spray. Cook the noodles according to package directions; drain.
2. Meanwhile, spray a large nonstick saucepan with nonstick spray; heat. Saute' the onions and celery until tender-crisp, about 2 minutes. Add the bell pepper, mushrooms, and corn; cook, stirring until tender, about 5 minutes longer. Stir in the soup, tuna, milk, parsley, pepper, and pepper sauce. Remove from the heat; stir in the noodles. Transfer to the casserole.
3. Sprinkle with the bread crumbs and cheese. Bake until the crumbs are golden brown and crisp, 15-20 minutes. Top with the tomatoes.
4. Yum yum ... healthy and good! Now if anyone knows where to find hot red pepper sauce in the supermarket please let me know in a comment. This ingredient was also in yesterday's recipe. I've never used it ... something else I need to learn about.
As I glance at pictures of Marisa at camp, I think ... she's managing to stay fit and lose weight. If these recipes can help, then why not give it a try? Till tomorrow ... happy eating!
Tuna-Noodle Casserole (This recipe is for 4 servings)
1 1/2 cups medium egg noodles
2 onions, finely chopped
2 celery stalks, finely chopped
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup thawed frozen corn kernels
1 (10 1/2 ounce) can reduced-calorie condensed mushroom soup
2 (6-ounce) cans chunk light water-packed tuna, drained and flaked
1/2 cup fat-free milk
2 Tbsp. finely chopped fresh parsley
1/2 tsp. freshly ground pepper
3-4 drops hot red pepper sauce
2 slices reduced-calorie whole-wheat bread, made into crumbs
4 tsp. grated parmesan cheese
2 tomatoes, sliced
Directions:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F; spray a shallow 2-quart casserole with nonstick spray. Cook the noodles according to package directions; drain.
2. Meanwhile, spray a large nonstick saucepan with nonstick spray; heat. Saute' the onions and celery until tender-crisp, about 2 minutes. Add the bell pepper, mushrooms, and corn; cook, stirring until tender, about 5 minutes longer. Stir in the soup, tuna, milk, parsley, pepper, and pepper sauce. Remove from the heat; stir in the noodles. Transfer to the casserole.
3. Sprinkle with the bread crumbs and cheese. Bake until the crumbs are golden brown and crisp, 15-20 minutes. Top with the tomatoes.
4. Yum yum ... healthy and good! Now if anyone knows where to find hot red pepper sauce in the supermarket please let me know in a comment. This ingredient was also in yesterday's recipe. I've never used it ... something else I need to learn about.
As I glance at pictures of Marisa at camp, I think ... she's managing to stay fit and lose weight. If these recipes can help, then why not give it a try? Till tomorrow ... happy eating!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
In Search of Healthy Recipes
Since Marisa is away at camp, I am not having as many small moments for her to learn from. However, that does not mean that I can't learn a thing or two from Marisa long distance. Marisa continues to have a strong interest in eating healthy foods, and I should have realized that she would be researching new recipes for me to try at home.
When her camp cabin took a trip in to town to visit the local library, I wondered what book Marisa would sign out. Would it be another Hannah Montana book or some other teen celebrity's latest story written from a TV series? When I received a thick letter from Marisa that included a number of pages, I was soon to find out. What was inside that envelope was a very pleasant surprise! Here's what she had to say.
"Here are the recipes from The Weight Watcher's Cookbook that I want to make for dinner.
Southwestern Salmon
Tuna-Noodle Casserole
Tofu Stir-Fry
Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes (as a side dish for the salmon)
"When I come home from camp, we could make the recipes from The Weight Watcher's Cookbook."
After reading her letter and glancing at the recipes, I knew that my work was cut out for me. I will try these recipes before Marisa comes home. How nice to have 4 new enticing recipes! So for today's post, I will include the 1st one for anyone out there interested in trying something healthful and new.
Southwestern Salmon
(This makes 2 servings, so for more I suggest doubling the recipe)
1 1/2 cups fresh cilantro leaves or 1/3 if using dried cilantro
1 Tbsp. fresh lime juice
1/2 tsp. ground cumin
1/4 tsp. salt
dash hot red pepper sauce
1/4 cup water
1/2 to 3/4 pound salmon steak
1 yellow bell pepper, seeded and sliced
1 red bell pepper, seeded and sliced
Direction:
1. In a food processor, combine the cilantro, lime juice, cumin, salt, pepper sauce, and water; puree. Transfer to a large zip-close plastic bag; add the salmon. Seal the bag, squeezing out the air; turn to coat the salmon. Refrigerate, turning the bag occasionally, 1 hour.
2. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F; spray a 9-inch-square baking dish with nonstick spray. Arrange the bell peppers in a single layer in the pan. Bake, turning once, 20 minutes.
3. Drain the salmon; discard the marinade. Place the salmon on top of the peppers. Bake until the fish is just opaque in the center, 5-6 minutes on each side.
A new recipe will follow tomorrow. Happy eating!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
350 Points ... The Magic Number!
350 points. It's the magic number of points on Marisa's goal chart that earns her a reward of her choice. Marisa is 20 now, and she has used the same goal chart since she was 4 years old. Of course the goals have changed. The goals have become more sophisticated over time. Sometimes the number of points change too, depending on how expensive a special reward may be. Generally, the rewards require a 350 point minimum.
So when Marisa was ready to leave for camp with a totally different goal chart to go along with her camp environment, I looked at her progress on her current goal chart and noticed that she had 340 points. Now in previous years I would have asked her to transfer those points to her camp goal chart, but it seemed a bit petty and even silly to me, to ask her to do that since she was leaving for camp the next morning. After all, in another day she would have earned the extra points and I would have had to ship the Now 34 CD she was earning.
"Marisa, I'm going to let you earn Now 34 for 340 points this time so I won't have to ship it to you in a day. You'll be able to start your camp goal chart from scratch, earning a possible total each day of 12 points for the 6 listed goals to work on at camp."
Marisa did not comment, and I didn't check to see what she did with the old goal chart from home. However, she was very happy to receive the Now 34 CD early and eagerly packed it in her CD case with her other CDs that she was taking to camp.
Two days later, I received a letter from Marisa. Here's the letter, exactly as it was written:
"Dear Mom, Dad, and Deborah,
How are you?
Yesterday I earned 352 points to get Disney Channel Playlist Soundtrack! Would you like to send me Disney Channel Playlist in the mail?
Please write me back!
Love,
Marisa"
Okay, so all my explaining about starting the camp goal chart from scratch didn't register with her. Or did it? She received the Now 34 CD as her choice reward just 2 days earlier, and now she thinks she can get her next choice reward after just earning 12 points at camp? I realized that Marisa was adding 12 points from her first day of camp to the home goal chart that already had 340 points. What was she thinking? Was she really unable to deal with the idea that she earned Now 34 for just 340 points instead of the usual 350 points? Or was she actually trying to fool me, perhaps thinking I would forget about giving her Now 34 before she actually earned it?
Now I was put in the position of having to write an extended explanation to Marisa. I also had to write an explanation to her counselors, so they could help her readjust her camp goal chart to the correct number of points from the first day of camp. I was also concerned about setting off a possible tantrum because I had given her Now 34 for 10 points short of what she should have had to earn. All this was getting more complicated than I ever had expected. I should have just let her earn the 350 points and then mailed the CD. It would have saved me the need for all these explanations.
"You're just so mean," my daughter Shoshana said. "Why don't you just send the new CD. She thinks she earned it."
"But she didn't earn it, and I think she's trying to fool me," I said. "I'll find out when I talk to her on the phone."
Monday morning, Marisa was due to call at 8:30 A.M. The phone rang, I picked it up.
"Hello," I said.
"Hi mom, how are you?" was the standard reply.
"I'm fine. How are things at camp?" I asked, wanting to wait for her to bring up the reward she thought she was entitled to.
"I earned 352 points. Are you going to send me Disney Channel Playlist in the mail?"
I knew this was coming. I proceeded to remind Marisa about how she had earned Now 34 for 340 points and needed to earn a full 350 points from scratch in order to earn the new CD.
"I sent you and your counselors a letter explaining all this in case you don't understand what I'm telling you now," I said.
"There's going to be a Country Western Dance this Saturday," she replied. "Will you send my pink cowboy hat, my pink bandana, my denim skirt and pink plaid blouse to me in the mail?"
There had been no argument about the CD. Now she was asking for something else that was important to her.
So was Marisa actually trying to pull the wool over my eyes and get me to send the new goal chart reward early? Or was she simply confused about the fact that I let her earn her chosen reward early in order to avoid having to put it in the mail the next day? I guess I'll never really know for sure.
So what is the point of all this? I think that with autism, nothing can ever be taken for granted, and that is what I did when I tried to simplify things. Unfortunately, nothing is ever that simple with autism. Did I learn a lesson? Probably not, because I thought Marisa could adjust to this small change. The bottom line is, that I will probably continue to test her ability to accept change, whether it is change in routine or change in the number of points earned. It's important to challenge our children with autism even if it takes us out of our comfort zone. Let's break them away from always thinking things will forever be the same even if it makes things more difficult for us as it did for me in this situation. Isn't that what growing is all about?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A Very Special Small Moment I learned From
Marisa was about to leave for her camp program where she would spend a summer focusing on activities of daily living skills necessary to living independently. Since Marisa had acquired an interest in healthy eating, she recently purchased a book called Slim and Scrumptious by Joy Bauer. She perused the book for recipes that appealed to her, and I suggested she place post-its on those pages.
She had selected 2 recipes that she wanted to try with me. One was a meatball and spaghetti recipe and the other was a grilled chicken burger recipe she wished to use for July 4th. Because of some errands and last minute things we needed to do before leaving for camp, I ended up only being able to prepare the turkey meatball recipe on July 4th.
"You can have the counselors try the chicken burgers at camp since barbecuing is more frequent there," I said apologetically.
"Yes, I'll pack my book," was Marisa's answer.
"Okay, let's tackle this recipe," I said with a sigh. It was a hot day, and I really would have preferred lounging in the pool in the late afternoon and then grilling some hotdogs with saurkraut, but I couldn't disappoint Marisa. She was just so enthusiastic about her expanding interest in cooking nutritious and healthy foods. The anticipation and eagerness shone in her eyes as she waited to begin.
"You pull out the ingredients and we'll give it a try," I said. For 37 years I had been preparing meatballs and spaghetti the same way. I wasn't quite sure this method of cooking was going to work. Rather than sauteeing onions, mushrooms and the meatballs before adding the sauce, the process was completely different. Marisa added the ingredients and mixed it all together and then we proceeded to cook the meatballs according to the directions. As the cooking progressed, an aroma rose up in the kitchen that was beyond all expectation and I remarked,
"Wow, this is wonderful! I can't wait to try this," I said, as I glanced in the pot to find this was really working out just fine!
When we sat down to eat these fabulously healthy meatballs with whole wheat spaghetti on July 4th, I looked at Marisa and my husband and remarked,
"Here's a small moment I learned from and now after 37 years, I'm going to change the way I prepare my meatballs. Thank you so much, Marisa, for being the one to teach me something new."
There's so much to be learned and mostly we're helping our kids learn the things that are important for them to know. But think how special it is if we are able to learn something from our children, and how good it must make them feel about themselves ... to be able to teach us something too.
So for all of you out there who are sick and tired of making the same old recipes over and over again, here's something new and special to try ... something selected by my daughter with autism who has been on an amazing healthy eating kick for this past year. Eat healthy and enjoy this one from Marisa!
Joy's Turkey Meatballs from Slim and Scrumptious
(I doubled this recipe)
1. 3 26 oz. jars of marinara sauce
2. In a large bowl mix 2 finely chopped onions, 2 carrots and 4 minced garlic gloves, 2 tablespoons Italian seasoning, red pepper flakes and 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt.
3. Add 2 1/2 pounds of ground turkey, 4 egg whites and 1/2 cup Quaker oats. Mix all ingredients well.
4. Shape meatballs to 1 1/2" diameter.
5. Carefully place meatballs into sauce that has been warmed on medium. Meatballs do not have to be completely covered by sauce.
6. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes with cover on the pot but do not stir at all.
7. Uncover and stir meatballs gently to cover meatballs with sauce, and then continue to cook covered for another 20 minutes. Then serve with whole wheat spaghetti.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Showing Compassion for Those with Other Disabilities
"How come your bus is 20 minutes early?" I asked Marisa one morning.
"Susan is absent," Marisa answered.
I understood from numerous conversations with Marisa, that Susan was a student on the bus who attended a special school for children with physical disabilities. Because of the need for a wheelchair, extra time was needed for picking up the student in the morning and dropping her off at home in the afternoon.
"Did you ever talk to her?" I asked Marisa.
"No, I listen to my ipod," she responded.
I didn't think too much about this until one day when we went to our village Town Hall to vote. As Marisa came out of the voting booth, she had a noticeable look of delight and surprise to see a familiar face. She ran up to a woman waiting in line to vote, and gave her a warm greeting and a hug, asking her how Susan is. After explaining to Marisa that her daughter had major surgery, she turned to her husband and remarked,
"I can't believe she remembers me!"
I approached the woman and introduced myself as Marisa's mom.
"How does Marisa know you?" I asked.
She informed me that her daughter was on Marisa's bus but was out for a few months because she required major surgery on her knee. After a brief conversation to inquire about Susan's progress, we left Town Hall.
I said to Marisa, "What nice parents Susan has! How come you never spoke to Susan on the bus?"
Marisa's answer surprised me. "She uses a wheelchair."
"Well that isn't a reason not to talk to someone," I said. "She has a physical disability. There are all kinds of disabilities. You have a disability too. How would you feel if someone decided not to speak to you because you have autism?"
Marisa surprised me when she replied, "I like people with autism."
"Well that's very nice, but it doesn't make it okay to ignore others just because their disability is different from yours. Because you have a disability, I think you might try to be more accepting of others with disabilities. Try to be understanding of someone else with a disability. By doing so, more people will perhaps be more accepting and understanding of you too!"
A week later, my dad was rushed to the emergency room. After numerous days in the hospital he made it home in time for Father's Day. We went to see him at home that day. He clearly was not himself and was unable to walk around without a great deal of assistance. Marisa remained quiet but apparently observant.
The next day, my dad called to speak to me, but Marisa answered the phone with her usual greeting, "Hi grandpa, how are you?" Usually at this point she would shove the phone at me and run to her goal chart to record her points for answering the phone with a standard greeting. Instead, she said to him, "Are you feeling better today?" She then waited for an answer.
I stopped what I was doing and realized then that Marisa had gone the extra mile. She was showing acceptance, understanding and compassion for her grandpa, who she had seen and realized was clearly unable to move around by himself. She had stepped outside her self-centered world and shown concern for an other's well being. What more can a mother of a child with autism ask for?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Choosing Appropriate Clothing to Match the Occasion
Sunday morning I woke up at 8 A.M. expecting a gloomy rainy day as the forecast had predicted. I parted the bedroom curtain and was pleasantly surprised to see a bright sunny morning. I slowly made my way to the kitchen for my morning coffee. Within seconds, Marisa appeared in a whirlwind of enthusiasm. As she burst into the room she announced,
"I'm going for a walk!"
I looked up and was startled by what was before me. Marisa, wearing a fanny pack, key in hand, was dressed in denim cut-off short shorts with her favorite black and pink tile belt, chain links dangling from the side. Paired with this was her disco ready skin tight black and blue sequin tank top with a streaming silk black bow down the back. Her white bra straps were clearly visible as an eyesore.
"Not like that!" I yelled back to her. "Go back and put on a more appropriate top. Then later you can change back into your sequins, but pair it with a dark colored bra."
Marisa, who is usually amazing at putting together her daily outfits and work-out shorts and tops that she wears at home to go on the treadmill, didn't seem to have a clue as to why her choice of clothing for a brisk walk was so inappropriate.
"You look like you're looking for a roll in the hay with some guy!" I informed her. "Is that what you want?"
"NO!" she answered.
She quickly rushed back to her room and reappeared in a two-toned floral tank top that was fitting to the occasion. Then off she went for her walk.
So what would have happened if Marisa went out the door to take a walk wearing disco-ready clothes? Probably nothing though she may have gotten a few stares. On second thought, she may have realized, after her walk, that sequins would have made her hot and sweaty. Then she wouldn't have been able to wear the top for the rest of the day. Alright, so maybe I should have let her learn from experience, but nevertheless, it's a good idea to know what is and is not appropriate for various occasions.
I can remember numerous times when I spotted someone in some outlandish outfit that made me and everyone else around do a double take. There was the woman in the supermarket wearing cowgirl clothes from the hat down to the fringed skirt and boots; another in her fifties wearing little girl hair clips with mini bows and lace that would have been fine on a two year old; and the young woman wearing skin tight wet-look pants with a waist length denim jacket while shopping for produce in the supermarket. I will never forget the looks that she got from people who just couldn't take their eyes off her. It was actually very humorous to witness.
So what should the goal be when it comes to appropriate attire for every occasion? We should look presentable and pleasant without drawing excessive attention to ourselves. There are clothes that are appropriate in the workplace just as there are clothes for parties, gardening, shopping in the supermarket, going to the beach and working out. Usually Marisa gets it right, but for those times when her judgement is just a bit off, some guidance can't hurt. Just as children and adults on the autism spectrum want to fit in by learning appropriate behaviors, they need to also learn what is appropriate attire to match the numerous occasions they will encounter. I'm not saying that we have to appear boring as if in uniform. We can learn to blend in with what is appropriate and pleasing, but still be creative and individual just as various flowers blend in a way that is pleasing to the eye. They go together as a group but are all unique in their own way.
I can't wait to see what Marisa selects for her next brisk walk outdoors. The goal is to be pleasantly unique. I am confident she will get it right next time!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Being Unsentimental Can Be A Good Thing
While reorganizing an unused bedroom, I came across one of my favorite childhood dolls. This rag doll, whom I named Carol after my friend, has a crank used to vocalize a few phrases, though because of it's age, the phrases are no longer audible. The doll, dating back to 1953, is one of the few remaining items I still have from my childhood. I picked up the doll, considering dumping it in the garbage. The fabric on the hands and feet were badly worn with holes showing the aged stuffing. Then I glanced at a framed picture of the Carol doll, dated 1955, hanging on the wall. The doll was so special to me that I had drawn a detailed picture. I put the doll back on the shelf, not having the heart to throw it away. I realized that the sentimental value was just too strong.
I stopped to make a comparison to my daughter with autism. Once Marisa had been extremely attached to a favorite stuffed Gund dog named Mutsy. She had received Mutsy as a gift when she was 15 months old. From the time she had set eyes on the dog, it had become an inseparable item to her. Like a security blanket to some, Mutsy went everywhere with Marisa. Then when she was 12 years old, she started to wean herself away from the dog. First Mutsy was left at home. After a number of months, Mutsy was put away in a drawer. Then, one day, while cleaning out her room, Marisa told me to throw Mutsy away.
"In the garbage?" I asked in horror, as I started to feel the pain of a lost friend.
"He's old and torn, and I don't need him any more! I'm a big girl now. Mutsy is for babies," was her answer.
It was extremely difficult for me to put Mutsy in the garbage. I thought, What if she regrets it later? Then what? I asked her again, and she reassured me that her decision was final. I put Mutsy in a plastic garbage bag. Sealing the bag, I put it in the non-perishable garbage away from food items. I thought, At least it's in clean garbage, and I don't have to look at it there. I then thought about the old worn out dog all night before the garbage was picked up in the morning. I even considered retrieving it from the trash. But then I realized how silly I was being. Marisa didn't need or want Mutsy any more. It was that final a decision for her. She was right! The dog with it's button eyes and nose, which had long since replaced the original ones, and it's limp and bare neck and body sadly lacking in stuffing, showed the many years of use and love. I contemplated that Mutsy had served it's purpose well.
So what was it about this that dawned on me as such a special moment? I considered the difference between neuro-typicals, like myself, and someone on the autism spectrum, like Marisa. The fact that Marisa got over the need for Mutsy and the need to keep him, shows she is not as affected by sentimental attachments as I am. This may actually be a very good trait!
Many of us keep things forever! We are unable to let go, because of the sentimental attachments we form. Just as Marisa was so able to part with Mutsy, I noticed she was also able to part with old clothes, other toys and items in her bedroom that she had outgrown physically or emotionally. I considered the ease with which she was able to part with these items and realized there was a positive aspect to this. Out of all the members in my family, Marisa is by far, the neatest and most organized. She knows exactly what she has, where to find things she needs, and is meticulous in caring for everything she owns. Her surroundings are amazingly uncluttered!
I paused to think about the implications of this, and realized that Marisa had some very useful character traits. Why can't I be more like Marisa? Then I thought about how we are all unique with various abilities, strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect! Don't we all try to utilize our best qualities to find jobs we are able to excel in to enjoy and achieve our life goals? Then why not take the strongest and best traits of our children with autism and channel those traits in to marketable jobs? Feeling useful and needed will ultimately lead to growing confidence and healthy self-esteem. Being included and able to contribute what we are good at to society can and will make us all winners. Isn't that the goal we are all striving for?
So if Marisa is able to toss out something old and start fresh with something new and different, rather than cringe and think, how can she do that? I now say, "Good for you! Keep it up!" Because, some day, Marisa's going to use all her wonderful skills to do something she will be good at and maybe even earn money doing it. I hope that day will come when Marisa will be able to say, I'm proud and happy with what I'm able to do, because it comes naturally!
And wouldn't it be nice if we could all say the same?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Learning to Care for Others While Teaching a New Skill
Marisa loves to exercise. She enjoys Nintendo Wii Fit and Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party. Interactive exercise activities that use a TV screen, are a wonderful incentive for kids to get in shape. It certainly worked for Marisa, but I learned there is more to be gained from this form of exercise than meets the eye.
Along with the benefit of exercise, there is the ability to improve one's reading and comprehension. In a very functional way, while reading the on screen directions, one must be able to focus and fully understand what is required. If necessary, a parent should help their child through the steps, until they are able to grasp the meaning of the instructions on their own.
When Marisa first received Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party, she requested that I buy her a second mat.
"Why do you need a second mat?" I had asked.
"Because I want a friend to play along with me," she said.
When we purchased Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2, Marisa did get her second mat. Then she was ready to start having friends over to play with her. She thought that having someone to dance along with her would be great fun, but was not prepared at all for what was to come. She wanted to have fun, but didn't realize that in order to do this, she might have to teach her friend what to do.
Marisa was very excited when a friend came over to play Dance Dance Revolution with her. I watched Marisa get ready to dance. Then I realized there was going to be a real problem, since she was not ready or willing to teach the game to her friend.
"Marisa, you need to go over the steps with your friend, and then start out on the easiest level, until he is familiar with what to do," I told her.
Realizing that the fun of dancing with a friend was not going to happen until she offered some guidance, Marisa took the time to go over the steps. I watched, and then they began.
As the music started to play, and the arrows moved along on the TV screen, I was amazed at how Marisa suddenly took charge. She called out each move with such purpose and authority I had never seen or heard before. She not only watched the screen and did each move, but watched her partner to make sure he was in step with her.
I stood there in awe of this new skill! Not only was Marisa following the steps and keeping in time, but she was helping her friend to stay on track with her. I realized that we had most certainly reached a very special milestone that day. Marisa, my daughter with autism, was thinking of another person's need. She was actually being a teacher. Certainly what was involved was more than the ability to comprehend instructions. Compassion and understanding of someones need for help was a bonus I had not anticipated when I purchased this game. Yet, here it was occurring in a very natural way. A new idea came to mind. Was it too much to believe that Marisa might actually be able to have a job helping others learn to dance some day?
Yesterday, Marisa walked in the door at 5:30 P.M. It was a long day. I asked her how her day was. Her reply was a total surprise!
"Good ... and how was your day at work mom?"
Then I thought, perhaps Marisa really had developed the ability to understand other people's feelings. Was it possible that Wii Dance Dance Revolution played some small part in helping her get there?
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Eggplant Rolls ...Coming Right Up!"
When Marisa was little, I never thought the day would come when she would be able to eat a varied diet. Then when I started offering 10 points for trying a new food, she ever so slowly started to expand her food choices.
Today, at 19, Marisa has become a true food connoisseur, always ready to try just about anything. Presently, when she approaches me with a new recipe, though I might not be that eager to venture too far from my tried and true favorites, I have to be willing to comply with her request. How can I in good conscience, possibly say no to someone who is so eager to expand her culinary experiences ... especially someone who used to be so limited in her food choices?
How can I say no to such recipes as:
Cherry Tomato Salmon, which by the way turned out to be spectacular,
Black Bean Tacos, which needed a bit of tweaking to make it a winner,
Grilled Asparagus and Zucchini Lasagna, which made me complain about the steps involved, but I tried to sound optimistic, because it wouldn't have been fair to discourage Marisa. As it turned out it was also quite good, and I assured Marisa that next time will be easier because, as I pointed out to her, experience with recipes is like anything else ... you improve and perfect after the first time, because we all learn by doing.
Tonight's recipe will be Eggplant Rolls. I can't say how it will turn out, because Marisa and I haven't made this one yet, but after reading the recipe over a few times, I am hopeful, even though I'm not very good with eggplant.
Marisa has not only learned to try many different foods, but she has taken it upon herself to pursue a healthy and nutritious diet, one with a good deal of fruits and vegetables, high fiber, and foods that include heart healthy fats.
This crusade to eat healthy was with the intention of losing the extra 25 pounds she carried around from years of eating fast food as a young child. This all stemmed from being on a stubbornly limited diet. I honestly have to say that I didn't think she would succeed in reaching her weight loss goal, but succeed she did ... reaching her goal weight by making healthy food choices and exercising daily.
There is a lesson to be learned from this. Have faith in the goals our children set for themselves. If something is important for us to achieve, we try to find a way to motivate ourselves to reach that goal. Why should it be any different for our special needs kids? We need to find out what it is that motivates each of our children, so they can work on reaching their goals.
So these days when Marisa approaches me with a new recipe to try, I think, Good for you! You're going to make us a healthier family. Then what else can I say, but "Eggplant Rolls coming right up!"
I hope this will be another winner!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
