Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Dinner Date

When Marisa asked a friend if he would like to get together, he suggested going out for dinner. I shouldn't be too surprised by this, considering that I'm talking about young adults in their twenties. I did stop to give it some serious thought, though. It's quite normal for most young adults to aim for an evening get together, but for those of us with young adult children on the autism spectrum, it's a bit more complicated than just setting a date and going for dinner.

For example, many young adults on the spectrum do not drive. This means parents have to get their children to and from all activities, or there has to be some other form of transportation available which they are able to navigate independently. Then there's the concern about knowing the proper steps in acquiring a table at a restaurant, ordering dinner, knowing how to pay the bill and finally figure in the appropriate tip for the server. And lets not forget the difficulties many on the spectrum have regarding holding a conversation during the meal. So, when Marisa's friend suggested dinner, I suggested she ask him if his parents would like to join us as we all go out to dinner together. I felt it would be a good way to offer any needed supports.

Shortly after Marisa texted her friend, John, regarding the suggestion of a family dinner, I received a phone call from his mom. To respect the privacy of Marisa's friend, I have changed his name.

"John won't be happy having dinner in the same restaurant with us. Why don't we let them go to the restaurant of their choice, while we go to one close by?" she asked.

I have to admit, I definitely wasn't ready for this, but when John's mom assured me that her son ate out alone all the time, and was comfortable paying his bill with the ability to calculate a tip for the server, I felt it would be a good opportunity for Marisa to feel a bit more autonomous, though I realized that Marisa was clueless about how to tip.

"She's never done tipping before and wouldn't know how to figure her tip at the end of the meal," I said.

It had just occurred to me that this was a lesson Marisa was ready to learn and start practicing. Up till now she was able to purchase simple lunches that didn't require a tip, so this was actually a good time to start thinking about teaching her this skill, but it was too late to expect her to do this on her own this time.  We settled for letting John pay the bill, planning to reimburse Marisa's half of the bill to John. The time was set to meet. We would have dinner at the restaurant next door, where it would be easy enough to check in with them if necessary.

As we waited outside the restaurant for John and his parents to arrive, I reminded Marisa to call me on my cell phone, if she had any problems. I also cued her in on topics of conversation she might try while having dinner. I suggested she ask John about his jobs and also what other things he was doing over the summer. When they arrived, John's mom told John and Marisa to go to Red Mango near our restaurant after their meal, where we would later meet them. Then they went in to the restaurant without us.

Once we were seated in the restaurant next door, John's mom decided to check on whether they had been seated at a hibachi table. Some 10 minutes later, she returned to inform us that she had taken them to another hibachi restaurant on the next street, because they had not been seated at the other place. She said that when she came in to check on them, they were still standing around waiting. At the new restaurant, they were escorted to a table with other people who seemed more than happy to look out for them.

We had just started eating when John's mom answered her phone. "You're at Red Mango?" she asked.

Wow, that was fast! I thought. Marisa is usually a slow eater. She likes to take her time in order to give her stomach a chance to feel full. Being conscious of her weight, this is something she has learned is a good way to prevent overeating.

I'm not sure how much time had passed when my phone rang. I had a strange feeling about it.

"Hi mom, how are you?" This is always Marisa standard greeting. I patiently waited for what was coming next. "I finished dinner now!" she commented with nonchalance.

"You're in the restaurant?" I questioned with concern. "Where is John?" I asked even though I already knew where he was.

"He went to Red Mango," she answered without a second thought, as if it was the most natural thing. After all, that is what he was told to do after eating. He was just following instructions.

"Okay, I'll come over to pick you up. Just stay there." I was concerned for Marisa crossing the busy street alone, something she really didn't have much opportunity or practice doing. We live in a very quiet residential neighborhood, where there is literally no reason to walk except to enjoy the beauty of nature. Everything else requires a drive in the car.

In the meantime, John's mom called him back and told him to immediately walk back to the restaurant for Marisa. As we rushed out to meet them at the hibachi place, we saw John just ahead of us strolling back to the restaurant where Marisa was waiting. When the three of us arrived at the hibachi restaurant, we were told that Marisa was in the bathroom. I questioned the hostess about whether the bill had been paid.

"Everything was fine," she said.

Marisa came out of the bathroom and happily greeted us, as we then walked back in the direction of Red Mango, so Marisa could purchase her dessert. When I asked Marisa about the bill, she handed me two receipts. One was charged on John's credit card and one on Marisa's.

"How much tip did you leave?" I asked Marisa. I was confused about how they managed to split their bill.

"I gave a dollar!" she said very proudly. Yes, I definitely need to teach how to calculate a tip.

Though a bit stressful for us as parents, fortunately there was no harm done. However, we realized there was so much to learn from this experience.

As parents and caretakers we need to remember that those on the autism spectrum often take things very literally. Being told to go to Red Mango after dinner, was exactly what John did. He went to Red Mango after completing his meal. Oddly enough, Marisa was still eating, so to both John and Marisa, it seemed totally normal for him to leave and for her to stay and finish eating.

John was good at paying his bill, just as his mom had told me. He had even managed to get Marisa to split it on her own credit card. I still don't know what happened with the tip. I'm assuming that John figured it in, and the cashier split the total between the two cards.

Though it might not be fair for me to comment on people with autism lacking empathy for others, it appears that in this case neither Marisa or John were concerned about each other's feelings. They were simply doing what they were told. John was going to Red Mango, because that's where he was told to go hang out after dinner. Marisa was finishing her dinner, something that she always did. She wasn't in the least bit concerned to be left alone with a bunch of strangers, as long as she had her dinner to finish. Once her meal was over, she did what she felt was the right thing to do based on what I told her. She called her mom, because she was confused about what she should do next. Marisa needs practice crossing streets, and she knew I wouldn't want her to cross the busy intersection alone to go to Red Mango. I'm grateful that she thought this through, rather than being impulsive and guessing what the right thing to do would be.

Will we be trying this again? Absolutely!
Will things go better next time? Hopefully!
What I do know for sure is that if we don't give our young adults on the spectrum a chance to try something new, they may never learn and grow. There's only one way to learn ... by experience!
Will it always be perfect? Probably not, but at least it will be one step in the right direction on the road to leading a more autonomous, independent and fulfilling life.

If I was Marisa's age and my date left me sitting in a restaurant to finish my meal alone I probably would have been angry and traumatized. So what does Marisa have to say about her experience?

"Mom, next dinner with John will be at Applebees!"