Building A Future Utilizing the Special Talents of Our Special Children

It was just a few days before my parents wedding anniversary, and I couldn't figure out how many years they were celebrating.

"It's sixty something," I said to my husband, Dan "but I can't remember!" A few years ago we made the 60th wedding anniversary party for them. What year was that?" I asked.

"I don't remember," he answered. It was so annoying not being able to figure it out. Then I had an idea.

"Marisa will know! I'll ask her," I said, as I ran down the steps into the kitchen. There I found her at the computer Instant Messaging some of her friends. I still am amazed at her ability to carry on brief on-line conversations with three friends at once, while searching the Internet for the latest fashion trends. After all, one of Marisa's greatest difficulties is holding a conversation. Yet she is able to do so at the computer and with three people at once. Granted, the responses are brief but nevertheless, they are responses and appropriate at that. It's nice to know she is able to engage in social interactions at the computer and fulfill a need to stay connected with her friends, while exploring the best on-line deals in fashion. Great multi-tasking! I thought.

So there I was about to interrupt her as she continued to click away at the computer keys in rhythm to the i Tunes music she favored.

"Marisa," I started to ask, "what year did we make grandma and grandpa's 60th anniversary party?"

"2003!" she answered without a moments hesitation and without even pausing as she continued to click, click, click away at the computer keys.

"Oh ... thanks!" I answered, somewhat surprised and delighted by the lack of thought that even went into her answer. I thought of what age she was in 2003. She had to be 13 at the time. Then I decided to double check, as I headed for my photo albums numbering some 24 on a shelf in my hall closet. I found the one with pictures from 2003. Sure enough there were the photos of the 60th wedding anniversary party!

"Hey Marisa! You're amazing! You were absolutely correct about the year of that party. How did you know that?" There was no answer. Marisa was deep in thought and conversation at the computer with one of her friends.

"So now how many years are grandma and grandpa married if they celebrated 60 years in 2003?" I asked her.

"67!" she called out to me.

"You got it right! You're amazing!  I couldn't have remembered the year of the party. It would have taken me all night to find the correct album with the anniversary party pictures if you hadn't told me the year," I said.

I ran upstairs to share what had happened with Dan.

"Isn't it amazing how she could know that so fast!"

As we sat there thinking about all the things we couldn't remember without Marisa to help us, we thought about Marisa's special abilities; not just for dates but for recalling names, events and even directions for playing games and multi-tasking at the computer. I realized then that these are skills that could be valuable. Could the ability to recall information and remember events be useful in the job market? What about her ability to search the Internet for information. Perhaps these are all marketable skills! So the search should be on for all the jobs out there that can utilize such skills.

The point is that our special needs kids have many abilities that we tend to underestimate, because we allow their disability to overshadow everything else. All of us neuro-typicals have different strengths and weaknesses, but we tend to do the things we are good at and go into professions that favor our strengths. That's what we need to focus on with our special needs children. List the strengths they have, and explore the jobs that could utilize those strengths. Then help them find their place among the rest of us. It may be easier said than done, but if we don't try, then the battle is already lost before it even has begun.

Revisiting A Lesson from the Past

Sixteen years ago, when Marisa was four years old, there was a news story about a boy with autism who was missing in a Florida swamp area for three days. Parents and officials feared the worst, but when the boy was found, he appeared to be in good health except for some minor bruises, fatigue and expected hunger. All this could have been avoided if the boy had been taught to respond to his name, either by calling out, or if not by speaking, by some other means, perhaps tapping on something in the area. Unfortunately, he did not know that responding to the repeated calls to him, would have enabled those looking for him to pinpoint his location. He simply expected his parents to know where he was without having to make a single sound.

That is when I realized how important it was for Marisa to learn to respond to her name. We started to practice this skill repeatedly, and by responding appropriately, Marisa would earn points on her goal chart.

"Marisa where are you?" I would call, and she was expected to respond with,

"Here I am, in the ...." whatever the place might be. We practiced this outside the house too, and Marisa enjoyed this little game. Not only was this good practice for her, but it was an easy way to earn the points toward whatever special reward she was working toward, whether it was a new CD, a movie or a new outfit she had selected.

This past week-end Marisa and I stopped off at Borders book store after her soccer practice. Marisa wanted to purchase a CD she was saving for. I desperately needed the bathroom.

"I'm going to the bathroom. I'll find you after," I said.

"Okay!" she replied.

Then we went our separate ways, having never planned on a special place in the store to meet. As I left the bathroom, I thought how far we had come. We always had stayed together in a public place, never separating from view of each other. I walked to the music section of the store, but Marisa wasn't there. Then I walked toward the children's section, but Marisa wasn't there either. I started to walk quickly glancing down every aisle, but no Marisa. It was quiet in the store. I didn't want to call out to her and disturb other shoppers as I continued to look. I knew Marisa didn't have her cell phone on her because she had just come from soccer practice. My only consolation was that I knew Marisa would never leave the store without me. Then I heard a familiar and sweet, but startled voice call out from a distance,

"Mom, where are you?"

I thought of the goal from so many years ago, as I smiled and sighed with relief. I thought ... she remembers. How wonderful that felt!

"Here I am Marisa!" Here I am!"

Again she called, "Where are you mom?"

"I'm here! I'm here!" I kept repeating so she could follow the sound of my voice until we were finally together again. Then she appeared around the corner of a bookshelf looking somewhat scared.

"Oh, Marisa, you don't have to be scared. You know I would never leave the store without you. But think how smart you are! You played our where are you game in reverse," I said.

"Yeah!" she called out sounding much relieved.

"You couldn't find me, and I couldn't find you, but you used what you learned from the past and your quick thinking to get us back together the fastest way you could.

"Yeah!" she answered as we walked to the cashier together.

Being lost in the store could have turned into a long drawn out scary situation, but instead it became an incident quickly resolved, and the best part of it was that Marisa was the one to have chosen the solution.

Learning to Advocate for Oneself

"I don't want to bowl anymore. It's boring" Marisa said.

"But why not? What happened?" I asked, confused by the sudden change in my daughter's interest. She had been bowling in the same group for six years and was always happy till now.

"I have no one to talk to," Marisa replied. "I want to be with my friends."

"Then tell the counselor you want to be on a lane with people who will talk to you. If you don't let your counselor know how you feel, she can only guess," I said.

Children with autism tend to think that others are able to read their minds, and know exactly what they are thinking and feeling. This, of course, is not possible. One has to be able to express their thoughts in words in order to make their feelings known.

When we arrived at bowling, later that afternoon, I told Marisa to go inside and ask her counselor to switch her to another group so that she could be with friends who would talk to her.

"Okay!" she answered, sounding a bit more optimistic.

After I parked the car and entered the bowling alley, I noticed Marisa was bowling with a different group of people. She appeared much happier as she danced to the background music and said something to one of the other bowlers.

Later, when we left the bowling alley, I asked Marisa,

"How did it go today?"

"Oh, it was fine!" she announced.

"That's because you let the counselors know how you felt. Aren't you glad you did?"

"Yeah!"

"Remember, other people won't know how you feel unless you tell them. When you're able to express yourself, things will always turn out better, and you'll be a happier person too."

It's called communicating. Even neuro-typicals need to learn how to do it.