Learning to Care for Others While Teaching a New Skill

Marisa loves to exercise. She enjoys Nintendo Wii Fit and Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party. Interactive exercise activities that use a TV screen, are a wonderful incentive for kids to get in shape. It certainly worked for Marisa, but I learned there is more to be gained from this form of exercise than meets the eye.

Along with the benefit of exercise, there is the ability to improve one's reading and comprehension. In a very functional way, while reading the on screen directions, one must be able to focus and fully understand what is required. If necessary, a parent should help their child through the steps, until they are able to grasp the meaning of the instructions on their own.

When Marisa first received Wii Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party, she requested that I buy her a second mat.

"Why do you need a second mat?" I had asked.

"Because I want a friend to play along with me," she said.

When we purchased Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2, Marisa did get her second mat. Then she was ready to start having friends over to play with her. She thought that having someone to dance along with her would be great fun, but was not prepared at all for what was to come. She wanted to have fun, but didn't realize that in order to do this, she might have to teach her friend what to do.

Marisa was very excited when a friend came over to play Dance Dance Revolution with her. I watched Marisa get ready to dance. Then I realized there was going to be a real problem, since she was not ready or willing to teach the game to her friend.

"Marisa, you need to go over the steps with your friend, and then start out on the easiest level, until he is familiar with what to do," I told her.

Realizing that the fun of dancing with a friend was not going to happen until she offered some guidance, Marisa took the time to go over the steps. I watched, and then they began.

As the music started to play, and the arrows moved along on the TV screen, I was amazed at how Marisa suddenly took charge. She called out each move with such purpose and authority I had never seen or heard before. She not only watched the screen and did each move, but watched her partner to make sure he was in step with her.

I stood there in awe of this new skill! Not only was Marisa following the steps and keeping in time, but she was helping her friend to stay on track with her. I realized that we had most certainly reached a very special milestone that day. Marisa, my daughter with autism, was thinking of another person's need. She was actually being a teacher. Certainly what was involved was more than the ability to comprehend instructions. Compassion and understanding of someones need for help was a bonus I had not anticipated when I purchased this game. Yet, here it was occurring in a very natural way. A new idea came to mind. Was it too much to believe that Marisa might actually be able to have a job helping others learn to dance some day?

Yesterday, Marisa walked in the door at 5:30 P.M. It was a long day. I asked her how her day was. Her reply was a total surprise!

"Good ... and how was your day at work mom?"

Then I thought, perhaps Marisa really had developed the ability to understand other people's feelings. Was it possible that Wii Dance Dance Revolution played some small part in helping her get there?

"Eggplant Rolls ...Coming Right Up!"

When Marisa was little, I never thought the day would come when she would be able to eat a varied diet. Then when I started offering 10 points for trying a new food, she ever so slowly started to expand her food choices.

Today, at 19, Marisa has become a true food connoisseur, always ready to try just about anything. Presently, when she approaches me with a new recipe, though I might not be that eager to venture too far from my tried and true favorites, I have to be willing to comply with her request. How can I in good conscience, possibly say no to someone who is so eager to expand her culinary experiences ... especially someone who used to be so limited in her food choices?

How can I say no to such recipes as:

Cherry Tomato Salmon, which by the way turned out to be spectacular,

Black Bean Tacos, which needed a bit of tweaking to make it a winner,

Grilled Asparagus and Zucchini Lasagna, which made me complain about the steps involved, but I tried to sound optimistic, because it wouldn't have been fair to discourage Marisa. As it turned out it was also quite good, and I assured Marisa that next time will be easier because, as I pointed out to her, experience with recipes is like anything else ... you improve and perfect after the first time, because we all learn by doing.

Tonight's recipe will be Eggplant Rolls. I can't say how it will turn out, because Marisa and I haven't made this one yet, but after reading the recipe over a few times, I am hopeful, even though I'm not very good with eggplant.

Marisa has not only learned to try many different foods, but she has taken it upon herself to pursue a healthy and nutritious diet, one with a good deal of fruits and vegetables, high fiber, and foods that include heart healthy fats.

This crusade to eat healthy was with the intention of losing the extra 25 pounds she carried around from years of eating fast food as a young child. This all stemmed from being on a stubbornly limited diet. I honestly have to say that I didn't think she would succeed in reaching her weight loss goal, but succeed she did ... reaching her goal weight by making healthy food choices and exercising daily.

There is a lesson to be learned from this. Have faith in the goals our children set for themselves. If something is important for us to achieve, we try to find a way to motivate ourselves to reach that goal. Why should it be any different for our special needs kids? We need to find out what it is that motivates each of our children, so they can work on reaching their goals.

So these days when Marisa approaches me with a new recipe to try, I think, Good for you! You're going to make us a healthier family. Then what else can I say, but "Eggplant Rolls coming right up!"

I hope this will be another winner!

What's Private? What's Not?

Marisa was clicking away at the computer. She was on IM and responding to someone else.

"Who's there?" I asked her.

"Oh just someone." she responded as she clicked away at the keys.

This didn't sound right to me.

I rushed over to see what was up. I saw an angry response from the sister of one of Marisa's friends.

"How rude! How dare you ask me that?" the girl responded.

"Marisa what did you ask?"

"Oh, just for Robert's password."

"Marisa what do you think the purpose of a password is anyway? It is a secret code to a person's private account whether it is for e-mail, Facebook or a bank account. It isn't meant to be shared with anyone else, because it's that person's private records. It's okay to ask for birthdays, schools attending, or perhaps where someone is going on vacation, but NEVER a password!"

"Oh, okay, I'm sorry!" she replied.

"Well, tell that to Robert's sister, not to me," I responded.

Marisa quickly sent an IM apology and explained that her mother yelled at her for asking for Robert's password. She then received a quick and understanding response. "That's okay, your mom shouldn't be so hard on you. You're forgiven."

I realized that this girl must really understand Marisa's disability to be so quick at forgiving.

Marisa sighed with relief, but then giggled at what she must have realized was her sneakiness and mischievous request. I started to think about what she did, and I wondered how clever she really is.

"Were you playing innocent with Robert's sister?" I asked Marisa.

She giggled again and remarked, "Well, I thought it didn't hurt to ask?"

Marisa then explained that she thought she could get into her friend's e-mail and check out who he corresponds with. She IS smarter than I thought.

"Marisa, some things are private and should stay private. It is NEVER okay to ask for anyone else's password ... EVER, and by the way ... don't give out your passwords either."

"Okay!" she replied with another giggle under her breath.

Then I thought ... I better keep watching those IM remarks ... just in case!

Much to Gain from Drama Club

Another year is almost over and for Marisa that also means another year of drama club at her town program for special needs. Last week Marisa played Mrs. Banks in the town's performance of Mary Poppins. The club met once a week from October to May and culminated with a performance on stage in front of parents and friends. It was nice for the group to get together to socialize, while working on the production of their show, but there's actually a whole lot of learning going on while having fun.

The group, made up of 26 teens and adults with special needs, had more to gain than socializing. They participated in choosing the show to be performed and had an opportunity to audition for their parts. When the parts were assigned, each participant was given a script to take home with their own lines highlighted. Each week the group would meet and practice together. The required interaction of the participants inevitably created many opportunities for social skill development, because the success of the show was dependent on the cooperation of all involved.

Once Marisa brought her script home, we began to practice daily for the end of year performance. The first thing I did was prepare a set of 3x5 cards for Marisa with her lines written on each card in the order in which they appeared in the script. Marisa then had a complete set of her lines on a ring binder to use during our rehearsals. I read the entire script, cuing Marisa when her lines would come in. During our rehearsals, I became aware of the many skills that could be learned from participating in drama.

The most striking, initially, was developing the ability to listen and comprehend. In order to know her lines, Marisa had to focus on listening and comprehending what was being said. Without those two skills, she would hardly know when to respond with her own lines. For someone on the autism spectrum, focusing on a story and comprehending the words being read could be a difficult task. I knew it certainly was hard for Marisa. Having to speak and interact with another character forced Marisa to pay attention.

Another skill to be gained from dramatization is the ability to speak with expression and compassion. Marisa's tone of voice, which initially was flat in the early stages of our rehearsals, eventually came alive with feeling and inflection. I frequently interrupted our rehearsals to discuss the mood in a particular scene and the expressiveness required by what her character was saying. Marisa would repeat the lines a few times in an attempt to get it right. And I, in turn, would encourage her with a positive remark, "very good!" or "much better" or "perfect!" There's also the ability to speak clearly and project one's voice with confidence. People with special needs often are afraid to speak up and express themselves, but through drama they have the chance to overcome their fear.

When the curtain went up and the show began, I and everyone else could feel the energy in the auditorium. The performers on stage were ready! They had put in eight months of work, as a group, to get to this proud moment. The effort showed in the performance and the entire group, upon completion of a job well done, walked off the stage feeling happy, proud and accomplished.

This week Marisa went on a 3 day overnight school trip to Rocking Horse Ranch. She had been looking forward to the trip for the entire year and was happy and excited to be going. A few days before the trip, while waiting for a red light to change on our way to her bowling league, I asked her,

"Are you excited about your trip?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "but I'm going to miss you SOooo MUCH!"

I turned around and looked at her in awe. Then she returned my gaze.

"Oh ... what a sweet thing to say to me. I'm going to miss you so much too! But you're going to have a wonderful time with your friends," I said.

Then I stopped to think about all the times I had helped Marisa to put expression in her voice while rehearsing for her part in the play and I thought ... how amazing her remark was about missing me. Never before had I heard so much expressiveness in a single comment.

Learning Etiquette on Instant Messaging

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa quickly responds to a friend's instant message.

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa responds to friend number 2 on instant messaging.

POP! click, click, click ... Marisa responds to friend number 3 on instant messaging???

Does Marisa had social deficits? Yes she does, but is trying her best to overcome them.

I quickly run over to the computer where she sits clicking away on the keys. I see that she is instant messaging 3 friends at once, responding to them but often ignoring statements they make in regard to themselves and their latest ventures.

"Marisa, you ignored your friend's comment. How would you feel if they ignored some good news you told them about? Go back, go back!" I said.

Marisa goes back to the previous friend's IM where we quickly discuss some possible responses to her friend. I stand by and watch as the POP! POP! of her other two friends come up in the IM boxes. I try to help Marisa navigate through the give and take of conversation in writing. She manages to juggle all three and then shuts off.

"NO, NO!" I said. "Go back and end the conversation."

Marisa goes back on IM and finishes with, "I have to go now. See you tomorrow!"

"Much better," I said. "You don't want your friends to think you vanished in the middle of a conversation."

IM has turned out to be a marvelous teaching tool for developing conversational skills. What's nice about it is that if you are watching, you are able to point out errors and areas for improvement. For example, when Marisa didn't respond to something a friend said, I was able to explain to her that her friend would be disappointed if she ignored their comment.

"How would you feel if they ignored some good news you told them about?" I had asked.

That made Marisa more aware of her responses. Those on the autism spectrum seem to focus on their own interests and ideas, often blocking out or showing no interest in what others have to say. The art of conversation is an important social skill. By using IM with a support person nearby, one has an opportunity to learn this skill. With practice, the ability to hold a meaningful conversation will have a greater chance of being mastered or at least improved. Friendships among those on the autism spectrum can and should be nurtured. Then perhaps conversational skills with the neurotypical population will have a greater chance for success too!